The Pitfalls of Contemporary Parenting: Where Did the Community Go?

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You’ve likely heard the saying, “It takes a village to raise a child.” Growing up, I absorbed this wisdom while nestled at my mom’s feet as she chatted with her friends. My understanding of this concept was straightforward; my mom had a support network. While she and my dad were our main caregivers, they frequently leaned on neighbors and friends for help when needed.

On school forms, after my parents, our neighbors were listed as emergency contacts. During family outings, other parents would gently correct us if we misbehaved. The community worked in tandem to ensure every child’s safety; they’d caution kids—regardless of whose they were—not to run on slick surfaces or to sit down instead of standing on picnic tables. Even as a little one, my mom taught me the importance of lending a hand, whether it was soothing a crying baby in the grocery store or assisting a mother juggling too much.

Now, as a mom myself, I’ve come to realize that this supportive village seems to have vanished. Where did it go? Occasionally, an older person (usually a woman) might assist me with a fussy child, but mostly, people just give me disapproving looks and walk away. It appears that many have forgotten the challenges of shopping with little ones, or perhaps they’re hesitant to intervene for fear of upsetting a parent.

When my child is crying in public, I would welcome a stranger to step in and distract them. I would be immensely grateful if someone saw my child in a risky situation and intervened. I keep a watchful eye on my kids, but life happens—my other child might trip and hurt themselves, or my little one might reach for something on a high shelf.

This topic has sparked discussions between my husband and me. I often feel frustrated by the judgmental stares I receive when my children act out, while he enjoys a different experience as a dad. People smile at him, impressed that he’s out solo with the kids. I optimistically wondered if my experiences were just flukes. But not long ago, I found myself desperately needing help, and no one came to my aid. I realized that when I’m out with my children, sans family or close friends, I am truly on my own—and that’s a daunting realization.

My youngest is a bundle of energy. His adventurous spirit rivals that of a monkey, and while our grocery store has adorable little carts for kids to push, they can also be problematic. My oldest is wonderful with the cart, but my youngest is determined to do his own thing. He’s learned how to unbuckle himself, which can be perilous when I’m reaching for a gallon of milk and he decides to climb out. For safety, he now walks beside me.

On a particularly hectic day, our usual grocery store was too far off our schedule, so we ventured to the mini-cart store. While checking out, my youngest decided to take off, zooming past seven checkout lines and straight out the double doors into the parking lot. Despite being surrounded by cashiers, shoppers, and employees, not a single person attempted to stop him. Thankfully, my oldest took action and chased after him. By the time I managed to extract myself from the checkout mess, my oldest was dragging his (screaming) brother back inside.

As I looked around, disappointment washed over me. Where was the village? Why didn’t anyone step in to help? If I saw a child running into a parking lot, my instinct would be to intervene. Perhaps it’s my background as a teacher, but I can’t fathom just standing by. The people around us were so close yet did nothing.

Some of you reading this might be thinking, “Why didn’t she leave her kids at home with a sitter? Why can’t she control her children?” Let me assure you, I do my best, and my kids are generally well-behaved. However, every so often, life throws a curveball. My youngest is fiercely independent and sometimes moves quicker than I can react.

I’ve spent considerable time pondering why community involvement seems to be waning. We live in an age where people are scared of offending each other, glued to their phones, and focused solely on their own safety. The world feels more dangerous, and while it may have always had its risks, those stories now flood our news feeds and fuel our anxieties. I get it; life has changed.

But please, if you spot a child in a tricky situation, don’t just stand there. Step in. Even if the parent gets upset, it’s better for the child to be safe. Let’s work together to revive the village spirit. After all, a village without its villagers is a lonely place.