I’ve Experienced Three Marriages with the Same Person

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While on my break at work, I stumbled upon an article by Ada Calhoun in the New York Times that really got me thinking. She delves into the transformations that married couples undergo over time, making the point that while we often believe our spouses will remain unchanged, the reality is that we all evolve, and it’s crucial to acknowledge and embrace that.

One particular line stuck with me: “Several long-married individuals I know have expressed this sentiment: ‘I’ve had at least three marriages. They’ve just all been with the same person.’” I can definitely relate, as my partner and I have experienced at least three distinct phases in our relationship: our wild 20s, family-focused 30s, and now navigating the responsibilities of homeownership in our 40s.

When I first tied the knot with Sarah, we were practically different species. Thirteen years, three kids, and three degrees later, we are far from the carefree couple we once were. Back at 21, I was clueless about typing, had never cracked open a book, and my aspirations revolved around mountain biking and tattoos. Fast forward, and I’ve snagged a graduate degree, landed a job at a university, and traded my bike for a minivan, complete with a wardrobe of cargo shorts and work polos. It’s a running joke between us that if my younger self met my current self, he’d probably throw a punch.

Sarah has transformed too. When we first crossed paths, she had just completed her associate’s degree and was eager to settle down. Today, she holds a bachelor’s degree, works at an elementary school, and has embraced a vegetarian lifestyle.

We’ve definitely grown together, sporting matching large-framed glasses and binge-watching the same rom-coms. But between our 20s and mid-30s, we’ve experienced several phases—often out of sync, with one of us transitioning before the other. Initially, I was still reveling in my social life, while Sarah was ready to settle down, leading to countless disagreements over my desire to hang out with friends and attend concerts instead of being present as a husband and father.

Once I began to adapt to the idea of settling down, I entered the “finish college” phase, while she was deep into wanting to nurture our kids. Now, we find ourselves in the “own a home and prioritize our children” stage.

These shifts have come with their fair share of ups and downs, and many arguments ultimately led us to discover how to coexist happily. What I find intriguing is that these changes often take couples by surprise, as they did with us.

I once caught a TED Talk by Dan Gilbert in which he posed a thought-provoking question: What do you envision for your life in ten years? He observed that people tend to predict their current friendships and interests will remain unchanged, yet those who are older often remark, “Oh, that’s really changed.” He emphasized, “Time is a powerful force. It reshapes our preferences, alters our values, and transforms our personalities. We seem to appreciate this fact, but only in retrospect.”

This is a common conundrum in relationships. When I married Sarah, I naively thought we would largely remain the same people, with similar friends and interests. Sure, I anticipated some changes in appearance and style, but I assumed our core values would stay intact.

Reflecting on our early years, my priorities have shifted dramatically. I’ve traded my obsession with tattoos for the necessity of making mortgage payments. My passion for punk concerts has been replaced by ensuring I make it to my son’s soccer practice. I used to care about looking cool; now, practicality reigns as I proudly drive a minivan. The notion that your partner is a constant entity is a myth. In fact, I believe it’s one of the biggest misconceptions for newlyweds.

I used to jokingly tell friends that long-term commitment means picturing your spouse with gray hair and a little extra weight. But after more than a decade together, I realize it’s far more complex. It involves imagining your partner embracing new hobbies, changing beliefs, or even developing unexpected skills. It’s about loving someone through their evolution, even if it means accommodating shifts that may not align with your own.

When I entered marriage, I received plenty of advice about compromise and communication. What I wish someone had highlighted was that change is not just acceptable—it’s a vital part of the journey. Yes, I may experience “three marriages” with the same woman, but that’s perfectly normal and essential for growth.

Dan Gilbert concluded his TED talk with a powerful observation that resonates with me: “Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished. The person you are right now is as transient as all the people you’ve ever been. The only constant in our lives is change.” This holds true for marriage as well.

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In summary, the evolution of marriage is a fascinating journey of growth, adaptation, and love. Embracing change is not just okay, it’s a vital part of thriving together.