By: Sarah Thompson
I’m feeling unwell. I should be getting some rest, but sleep eludes me. My partner, Jake, comes in to rub my back while the kids (who are also under the weather) wreak havoc on a cherished family keepsake. “You really should get some sleep,” he suggests. “You’ll feel better if you do.” I shove his arm away and fling the covers off. “I can’t sleep! I can’t stop thinking about those socks I ordered.”
Jake looks perplexed. “The socks?”
“Yes! The knee-high socks I got for the kids from that online store. They keep sending chills of dread through me. And every time I hear a line from that musical everyone loves, I get another wave of panic. It’s like clockwork, every five minutes.”
“But you adore that musical!”
“It doesn’t have to make sense. I think I need a legally prescribed Xanax.”
This is generalized anxiety disorder (GAD), often referred to simply as an anxiety disorder. GAD means worrying about, well, just about anything. One minute you’re anxious over social interactions, the next, you’re fretting about car accidents or the extinction of bees. And then sometimes, it’s the mundane worries that keep you awake at night.
You might find yourself fretting for no clear reason that your car won’t start in the morning. It happened two years ago, but that doesn’t matter. Even though you know you can call for help, the anxiety lingers as you approach your vehicle. You hold your breath until the engine finally roars to life. This is critical because you have to get the kids to school, and this ritual plays out every single morning.
Then there’s the fear of being the first one at a playdate. Why? You know the other moms will show up eventually. You leave the house early, trying to avoid being late, which feels rude. But not early enough to grab a coffee because you don’t want to sit alone for at least fifteen minutes until someone arrives. What will your kids do? What about you? You’d rather not be glued to your phone, but you also don’t want to be the one pushing them on the swings.
You know you’ll pull into the park, let the kids scramble out of the car, and check your phone until your mom friend arrives. Yet the thought of those solitary moments is utterly paralyzing.
Worries about your children encompass a vast spectrum. You’re concerned they have too many toys and fear it’s stifling their creativity. But taking toys away feels like a betrayal, and what if they resent you? You fret that they watch too much TV, but then you see them engrossed in a show instead of using their imaginations, and you know you need to intervene, yet you can’t seem to muster the energy to do so.
Laundry? Don’t even get me started. Laundry baskets taunt me as they overflow with clean clothes. They sit in the kitchen, and yes, you can judge me all you want, but they’re still there, haunting me. Sorting through them takes an eternity and a legally prescribed Klonopin. I’ll leave the clothes in baskets in front of my kids’ drawers because I simply can’t find the time to fold them. The lingering anxiety about what others think—especially the babysitter—can feel unbearable.
Oh, the babysitter. The mere thought sends me into a panic. You don’t know the agony of having a babysitter unless you’ve experienced GAD. First, there’s the terror that she’ll deem your home a disaster zone. So, you scrub everything, especially the bathrooms. You plead with her to make the kids clean up after themselves, recalling the one time you came home to utter chaos. Then you leave and pray she keeps the kids safe and doesn’t think you’re a complete mess.
In essence, living with GAD means being overwhelmed by both rational fears (like traffic accidents) and completely innocuous situations (like laundry) that somehow morph into sources of dread. Telling us to just relax won’t work; if we could turn off these fears, we would. We can’t rationalize our way out of it; we just have to navigate it, one anxiety at a time.
For many, medication, therapy, and a hug from a kind friend help. Just being there for someone can make a world of difference. You don’t need to fully understand their struggles; just show up and maybe even help with the laundry.
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In summary, living with an anxiety disorder like GAD can feel like an endless cycle of worries, both rational and irrational. The key is to find support and understanding in the chaos.