Alright, let’s get real for a moment. I’m officially throwing in the towel on being your personal treasure map. I know you’re impressed by my brilliance and my superhero-like ability to spot every little thing you attempt to sneak from the pantry. It’s a skill! I get it; you admire my various talents, from bribing you to finish your chores to keeping you entertained on long car rides. I can even make you pose for family photos—yes, I have some serious skills, maybe even extraordinary ones.
But when you’re practically inside the refrigerator, squinting at the milk handle that’s practically waving hello, my patience starts to falter. This isn’t about me losing my cool; it’s more about me losing my legendary status as the family guru of lost items.
You’ve all become experts at misplacing just about everything in the house. And while it might be flattering that you think I know where every single item lives, I assure you, that’s not a title I want. Seriously, if you’re looking for the butter, it’s right where it always is—in the butter dish in the cupboard! If it’s empty, grab a new stick from the fridge. If there’s none there either, well, guess what? We’re out.
I promise you, I don’t rearrange things to keep you guessing. I have more important things to do, like keeping track of my sanity while juggling a million other tasks. So, if you’re thinking, “Let’s see how long I can drive Mom crazy,” I have to tell you, it’s not working in your favor.
I can’t remember where I put my phone half the time, so expecting me to track down your missing left sneaker is just unrealistic. Please, use your energy to search for it instead of calling out, “Mom! Where are my pants?!” How many times must I lose my composure before you realize this isn’t helping anyone?
If you took a moment to care for your belongings and put them back in their places, you wouldn’t lose them nearly as often. How about that for a thought?
Let’s make a deal: you stop asking me where everything is, and I’ll stop interrupting your online chats and singing loudly in public. I think that’s fair, right?
When you ask for the milk and it’s literally an inch from your face, I can’t help you. I’ve told you countless times that you’re fully capable of finding your own things, including those colored pencils you seem desperate for.
I’m too busy managing your lives and ensuring you don’t end up bored out of your minds—which is a skill I take pride in. So, if you need your library book, you’re going to have to find it yourself.
Now, where the heck did I put my keys?!
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In summary, let’s all agree to be a bit more self-sufficient when it comes to finding our belongings. I’m not a magic genie, and you all have the capability to help yourselves.