Disciplining My Preschooler: Navigating Triggers with Humor and Compassion

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I really don’t want to raise my voice. It’s a personal trigger for me. Having faced my fair share of thunderous outbursts as a kid and adult, I’ve become attuned to how my body reacts to yelling. But what I didn’t realize until I became a parent is that my own voice could be a part of that trigger.

My son, Leo, is turning 5 this fall and is generally a lively and well-mannered child. Sure, he’s had his moments of biting, hitting, and the occasional meltdown, but I’ve handled these outbursts with “time-ins” instead of timeouts—essentially, we stay close and work through those intense feelings together. He’s taught me a lot about patience, though sometimes it feels like he’s also testing it to the limit!

Let me be clear: I don’t believe in hitting children. I don’t believe in hitting anyone, for that matter. I never force Leo to hug me, and I won’t shame him for not wanting to hug someone else. However, there are times when I find myself raising my voice, and honestly, it’s not a pleasant experience.

When I lose my cool, it’s usually due to safety concerns or repetitive behavior—like when Leo wanders toward the driveway, despite knowing he should stick to the grass. I guide him back, reminding him of the rules, but when it happens for the umpteenth time, my voice gets louder. It’s effective—Leo looks startled, retreats to safety, and apologizes. It’s just frustrating that my calm tone doesn’t always cut through the chaos.

But the day Leo yelled “Nooo!” and hit me on the arm was a turning point. I know kids act out, and I’m not suggesting Leo is abusive, but being triggered in that moment was unsettling. Grabbing his hand to prevent another hit and raising my voice to say “We don’t hit!” felt like a flashback to my past traumas. My body reacted instinctively: my throat constricted, my heart raced, and I felt an overwhelming urge to escape. It’s a peculiar sensation to plead with a child to listen while still feeling trapped.

Having been through trauma, I understand that my nervous system can be hyper-sensitive, reacting to perceived threats even when none exist. Bessel Van der Kolk, a renowned trauma psychiatrist, emphasizes in his book, The Body Keeps the Score, that trauma can leave lasting marks on our bodies and minds. This can lead to anxious reactions even in mundane situations.

Learning that my anxiety stems from past experiences has been oddly empowering. Just as we can adopt healthier habits, we can also unlearn trauma responses. I remind myself that when I feel my patience dwindling, it’s not the same as being in danger. I focus on teaching Leo kindness and respect rather than pleading for him not to hurt me. He’s merely navigating boundaries, not challenging me in a life-or-death struggle.

I often employ grounding techniques to manage my triggers, like engaging my senses to focus on the present, practicing yoga for balance, and deep breathing to release negativity. Healing can be a slow journey, and I often turn to blogs for solidarity and support.

In a guest post on “Parenting with Trauma” by Natalie Green, she expresses how her daughter’s tantrums echo the behavior of adults from her past, creating a whirlwind of emotions. Another writer, Kayla Martin, candidly shares her struggle with the impulse to react aggressively, underscoring the importance of breaking that cycle. These conversations are vital, and it’s reassuring to know I’m not alone in navigating such complex feelings.

Many might assume that identifying triggers means avoiding certain topics or situations. However, in parenting, I strive to keep my voice steady, as I don’t want to perpetuate a dynamic where fear dictates our interactions. I refuse to let my past dictate how I parent Leo. I want to model calmness and understanding, even if it means raising my voice occasionally—just not too much.

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In summary, navigating the challenges of disciplining a preschooler while managing personal triggers can be complex. By employing grounding techniques and fostering open communication, we can create a nurturing environment for our children while healing ourselves.