Updated: March 22, 2018
Originally Published: May 23, 2017
As a parent, I often find myself pondering whether I’m truly doing this right. Am I making the best choices? Am I somehow failing my kids? Am I a good mom? Honestly, I doubt there are many parents who feel completely confident in their parenting prowess at every moment. And I’m pretty sure there are even fewer who can say they had a flawless example in their own upbringing. Almost all of us would tweak something, right?
Well, I did have great role models. Unfortunately, they were great examples of how to go about parenting in the wrong way. My parents are the poster children for what NOT to do.
From a young age, I started to feel like my arrival in their lives was more of a hiccup than a blessing. I suspect I was just two pink lines on a pregnancy test at a highly inconvenient time for them. I never doubted that I was loved in the traditional sense—there were hugs, “I love you’s,” and all that jazz. But to my child’s mind, love felt like an obligation. It was more of a “Hey, we’re both here, so let’s pretend” situation. I thought adults were as delusional about love as they were about Santa Claus—what they said and what they felt were two entirely different things.
When my parents split up during my kindergarten years, I didn’t believe it was my fault. I was aware that my parents were simply miserable together. My mother was ambitious but perpetually stressed and angry about her life, while my father had big dreams that he never pursued, opting instead for a self-sabotaging lifestyle. Their arguments were so loud that when I played house, I mimicked their yelling, thinking that’s how families functioned. Honestly, getting divorced was one of the few things they succeeded at.
After their separation, my mother won custody, while my father made the process a hassle without ever truly wanting to care for us. He would drift in and out of our lives like a ghost, and I often overheard my mom’s family bashing him for being a terrible father who only wanted our affection when it suited him.
Understandably, my mother was angry. Life had thrown her a curveball, and she was struggling to raise three kids while digging out of debt that my father had plunged her into. The pain she endured is something only a mother in her situation could truly understand. She often projected that pain onto me.
I confess that being a parent can be frustrating, and I’ve lost my temper with my kids more times than I’d like to admit. I’ve had thoughts that, quite frankly, make me cringe. But I don’t act on them because I know how damaging that kind of anger can be. I remember the hurt and confusion that comes from being told that you’re unwanted, especially when you’re just trying to be a kid.
So, my parents turned out to be the best examples of what not to do because they demonstrated how simple it is to get parenting right. It boils down to one thing: love your kids, and ensure they feel that love.
Every single day, I make it a priority to show my children they are wanted and cherished, and that my love is unwavering. I don’t assume that words alone are enough; I demonstrate my love in countless ways and repeat it daily, from sunrise to sunset. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” They might see my imperfections, but they never question my love for them.
Everything I do for them comes from a place of love, not obligation. I wanted them, and I’m profoundly grateful to be their mother. I strive to ensure they know this, leaving no room for doubt.
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Summary:
In this reflective piece, the author shares their experiences growing up with parents who served as prime examples of ineffective parenting. Despite feeling unwanted as a child, the author learned to prioritize love and support in their own parenting style, ensuring their children never question their worth.