Why I Never Say These Two Words to My Kids—And the Reason Behind It

home insemination Kit

We’re going through a challenging stage in our home. My oldest has reached the age where “big kid” expectations come into play, while my younger ones are still enjoying the benefits of being “too little” to shoulder any real responsibility. I’m convinced this is a genuine phase—please tell me it’s not just some parenting paradox I’ve dreamt up to make sense of our current chaos!

Just the other night, while cleaning up our delicious dessert of strawberries sprinkled with “magic dust” (which, let’s face it, sounds like some sort of shady substance), I found myself barking orders at my sons to tidy up the enormous pillow fortress they’d constructed between their beds.

“Can you guys start cleaning up, please?” I asked.

This is a standard request in our household. If you create the pillow pile (a towering stack of every cushion and beanbag in sight), you’re responsible for dismantling it. But on that particular night—perhaps due to the classic end-of-the-week blues or post-football game fatigue—my boys were not having it.

“We don’t want to!”

“Will you help us?”

“We’re going to use it again tomorrow!”

While my inner voice screamed, “I don’t care!” and “No way!” I took a moment to pause. I realized I had committed the parenting faux pas of uttering two words that my partner and I had sworn off long ago: “Can you…”

I had mistakenly phrased a nonnegotiable request as a question, and they responded, just not in a way that suited my plans.

In our household, we typically navigate chores like this:

“Hey, I need you to help clear the table, please.”

“But I’m in the middle of building an epic Lego fortress with a secret entrance for Batman!”

“Got it. But first, let’s clear the table. Do you want to take the plates or the cups?”

Cue the dramatic pause, a lone eye roll, and a glance at their sneakers.

“Cups.”

“Great! Let’s tackle the table together, and then you can return to your Lego adventure!”

Yes, this may sound like a parenting approach straight out of a special education handbook, but there’s a method to the madness. By offering choices, I empower my children while maintaining the authority of the household. This way, they feel they have some control, yet still must adhere to the rules we’ve set.

Instead of asking, “Can you…,” we say, “You can…” and present two acceptable options. This way, no one leaves the conversation feeling defeated. Sure, we still encounter resistance, tantrums, and a few prolonged whines, but more often than not, we manage to get through with minimal fuss.

Because we’ve been consistent with this approach, our kids understand that we’ll never present them with choices that aren’t in their best interest. This builds a foundation of trust that will be crucial during those tricky teenage years when discussing safe options at parties.

I don’t have any long-term studies to back this up, but it seems logical that if we help our kids feel confident making safe choices from an early age, they’ll carry that skill into adulthood. Of course, this empowered decision-making must occur within a loving environment filled with support and, of course, Lego building.

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In summary, by avoiding the phrase “Can you…” and instead framing requests as choices, I empower my children and ensure that they understand their responsibilities. This method not only fosters independence but also builds a trusting relationship, which will be essential as they grow.