Hey Kids, Sometimes You Actually Want Me to Say ‘No’ — Here’s Why

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There they were: my three oldest kids with their mouths agape as I scooped icing onto their tongues. This was their reward for posing for a family photo without any drama. Yes, I’m not shy about bribing them for moments like this, and honestly, I’ve moved past feeling guilty about it. So there I stood, spoon in hand.

As the icing dribbled down their chins, they looked at me with laughter in their eyes and exclaimed, “You’re the best mom ever!” Then they shared a grin, clearly amazed by this special treat. I was enjoying the moment too — until my eldest spoke up.

“No, Mom. Seriously, you’re the best. I can’t believe you’re letting us eat icing straight from the can.”

In that instant, my heart sank. While he intended it as a compliment, his innocent excitement made me pause. He genuinely believed that this was a sign of my love — his dimples beaming with joy.

I couldn’t help but think back to the previous night when I had told him ‘no’ to a request that left him frustrated. He couldn’t comprehend why I would deny him this small plea. But I stood firm. “No, buddy. That’s just not happening.” And in that moment, he didn’t see me as a great mom.

I began to wonder: Is love that simple to them? Do they perceive my affection in such a distorted way? As I listened to their giggles, I realized the answer was a resounding “yes.”

The next day, I took some time to reflect on what I wanted my children to understand about my love. I decided to write them a letter (and really, it was for me too):

Dear Child,

I want to share some thoughts about what makes me a good mom and what it means to make you grin for a picture. As you grow up, you’ll likely hear me say ‘no’ more often than ‘yes.’ When I say ‘no,’ I hope you understand that it’s another way of expressing “I love you.”

I know it doesn’t feel that way. It might seem like I’m denying you something important. But in reality, I’m protecting you from things that could potentially harm what I cherish most — YOU.

So yes, you’ll hear me say ‘no’ frequently. You don’t always need to grasp my reasoning or methods. Sometimes, it’s enough to know that I’m more of a loving mother when I set boundaries, rather than when I don’t. Love sometimes means saying ‘no.’

That being said, I will say ‘yes’ whenever I can because your happiness matters to me. However, my love for you isn’t solely about making you happy, so please don’t confuse the two.

Regarding that icing episode, a responsible mom might have chosen to say ‘no’ because she cares about your health — your teeth, your weight, and the sugar rush that could keep you up all night. The sweetness you tasted? That was a bribe.

My true love for you runs much deeper and is ultimately better for you. Don’t ever forget that.

Love,
Your Mom Who Will Occasionally Say No

This letter encapsulates the complexities of parenting, reminding us that love is not just about indulgence but also about making tough choices for the sake of our children’s well-being. For more insights on parenting and related topics, check out our other blog post on privacy here.

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Summary:

In parenting, saying ‘no’ can be a profound expression of love, providing necessary boundaries for children’s safety and well-being. The author reflects on the balance between joy and discipline, emphasizing that love sometimes requires tough decisions, even if it feels like a denial to the kids.