On the day of my grandmother’s funeral, I found myself sitting at the kitchen table, lost in thought. My coffee, long forgotten, had gone cold as I gazed out the window. Suddenly, my son, who was just 7 at the time, came over and snuggled into my lap for a comforting embrace. I inhaled the scent of his freshly washed hair and held him tightly. After a while, he hopped off my lap and asked, “Mom, did you pack my play clothes for outside?”
When I explained that we would be wearing our formal clothes for the service, he looked confused. “But, Mom, we’re going to get so dirty!” he insisted. It dawned on me that he thought we would be the ones burying Grandma. His innocent misunderstanding made me chuckle for the first time in days.
Funerals and the concept of death can be challenging for adults, but they can be even more bewildering for children. Deciding how to approach the situation when a loved one passes away can feel daunting. Should you allow your child to see the loved one during their final days? Should you include them in the funeral and expose them to raw emotions? While there are no definitive answers, here are some strategies that can help prepare your child for a funeral or the impending loss of a loved one.
1. Be Open and Ready for Unexpected Questions
Children’s inquiries after a loss can cover a wide range of topics, from practical concerns to deep philosophical questions. They might wonder where the deceased is now, what their last words were, or if heaven is cold. It’s important to answer their questions honestly and without judgment, understanding that they are processing their grief in their own way.
2. Share Age-Appropriate Books About Death
This may sound morbid, but reading about death can be incredibly beneficial. Children often connect with stories and characters, and there are numerous books designed for young readers. When my son was grappling with the loss of his grandmother, his school counselor provided us with a storybook featuring characters who dealt with grief. This resource proved invaluable for us and could be a great help for others.
3. Purchase Stuffed Animals for Your Children and the Deceased
On a friend’s recommendation, my kids chose three identical stuffed bears in the days leading up to my grandmother’s funeral—one for each of them and one to accompany her. These bears became a tangible reminder of their grandmother and provided comfort during the tough months that followed. Children often find solace in cuddly toys, and having one during the funeral can be very reassuring.
4. Don’t Shield Your Kids from the Dying Process
When my grandmother was diagnosed with an illness, she was vibrant and full of life. As time went on, she became frail, but my children only saw the loving grandmother who always smiled at them. After her passing, they looked through photo collages and were surprised to see her looking so weak. Children are surprisingly perceptive and can handle more than we often give them credit for.
Reflecting back, it was my children’s innocent perspectives that helped me navigate the grief of losing my grandmother. Their fresh outlook on life and death offered me healing moments, reminding me that laughter can coexist with sorrow.
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Summary
Navigating a child’s first funeral experience can be challenging, but honesty, age-appropriate resources, tangible connections like stuffed animals, and openness about the dying process can greatly help in the healing journey.