As I sat in a sun-drenched beach house in North Carolina in 1990, I remember feeling invisible. “Mom,” I called, but my mother was lost in the pages of a novel, her attention completely absorbed. I tried again, “Mom! I want to do puff paints.” When she finally responded, it was with a sharpness that stung: “Go find your brothers and leave me in peace.” In that moment, I promised myself I would never make my child feel as unimportant as I did then.
Now a mother of three, I often find myself breaking that vow. While I understand the impact of feeling overlooked as a child, I also recognize that it shaped me in ways that ultimately benefitted my growth. It’s a paradox that contrasts with a popular saying: “Listen earnestly to anything [your children] want to tell you, no matter what.” While this advice, credited to author Catherine M. Wallace, feels well-meaning, I believe that always prioritizing a child’s desires can actually hinder their development.
In her book How to Raise an Adult, Julie Lythcott-Haims discusses the pitfalls of overparenting. She warns that making children the center of the universe can leave them without essential life skills. This sentiment is echoed by developmental psychologist Lele Diamond, who explains that self-esteem is rooted in a child’s ability to navigate the world independently. When children are overly coddled, it can lead to feelings of inadequacy, often manifesting as narcissistic behavior.
Diamond elaborates that while infants need to be the focus of their caregivers, this should gradually shift as they grow. By the time children reach preschool, they should understand that their desires are significant but not all-consuming. They need to learn that sometimes their wishes will take a backseat to others’ needs, fostering empathy and social skills.
Setting boundaries is crucial. It teaches children how to express themselves appropriately and helps them build healthy relationships. However, it’s important to strike a balance; if a child never hears ‘yes,’ it could lead to frustration. The goal is for kids to realize that everyone has different wants and that theirs won’t always come first.
Recently, as we traveled from California to New York, my 7-year-old, Lily, spotted some intriguing kits in first class. After a few questions, she asked if she could approach the flight attendants for extras. I gently reminded her that there were other passengers who needed to settle in. When she insisted, I remained firm, pointing out the books in her backpack. Her persistence escalated, and at one point, she declared, “You are the meanest mom in the world.” I simply replied, “I know, sweetheart. I know.”
Ultimately, my commitment to being a good parent means teaching my children about the world beyond their immediate desires. I want them to understand their feelings are valid, but they must also recognize that life is about compromise and balance.
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In summary, being a good mom sometimes means making tough choices that may not always be popular with our kids. It’s about fostering independence, empathy, and understanding that their world doesn’t revolve solely around them.