Warm sun, soft sand, and a fruity cocktail in my hand… but tears rolling down my cheeks? I had been anticipating this getaway for what felt like forever, maybe even years. However, once I finally embarked on my first solo vacation since becoming a parent (that’s 15 years!), I found myself quietly weeping behind my sunglasses. I could sense that it was about to spiral, yet I couldn’t bring myself to leave the hammock where I was lounging with a spectacular view of the sunset.
Perhaps it was sheer exhaustion. I endured two flights with a long layover just to reach Costa Rica, and I had been awake for over 24 hours. Or maybe it was hunger; the kale chips and gluten-free blueberry bar from my overnight flight were not exactly satisfying. It didn’t help that I was seated next to an adorable Swiss couple who couldn’t keep their hands off each other and had a slightly unpleasant odor, as if they hadn’t showered in days.
Or maybe these were tears of joy. I was finally ticking off a bucket list item: learning to surf — and the excitement was simply too much to contain.
Yes, yes, and yes. A cocktail of exhaustion, hunger, and happiness was more than enough to bring me to tears, but how could I explain the uncontrollable sobbing that hit me like a ton of bricks as soon as I rolled out of the hammock and reached my room? I collapsed onto the pristine white sheets of the king-sized bed that I would occupy for the next week and broke down.
After years of nurturing and caring for my kids, navigating through a sea of Legos and My Little Ponies, helping my three daughters with their ups and downs, and managing their friendship, school, and sibling dramas, I found myself alone — and it felt lonely.
Caught up in the excitement of the adventure ahead, I hadn’t considered how I would feel being away from my daily life for so long. I hadn’t anticipated missing it. I often long for alone time. I’m a tightly-wound person, and recharging solo is essential for my mental health. I grab 20 minutes here and an hour there to organize my thoughts and alleviate my anxiety. Typically, some form of exercise and list-making is involved, along with a few moments of stillness (though I won’t call it meditation since I struggle with that). This time for myself is brief, unplanned, and inconsistent, functioning more like little Band-Aids that help me through the day.
While brief getaways and my cherished annual girls’ weekend are fantastic, they never quite allow me to fully transition out of “mom mode.” Now, I had an entire week away from my kids, my partner, and home, and I was feeling overwhelmed. This was my chance to completely detach from the demands of motherhood, yet I was miserable. I had absolutely no reason to worry about daily life back home. My partner is more than capable of managing the kids alone, and my two older daughters are mostly self-sufficient. The youngest requires the most attention, but she can handle her own snacks and even uses the restroom independently. They know where the grocery store is, how to do laundry, and where they need to be when.
So why couldn’t I let go of home?
When my older daughters were younger and the youngest hadn’t yet arrived, I craved a break. The few hours I had to myself on Saturdays while my partner took care of the kids barely allowed me to regroup. A tropical vacation where I could sleep and wake at will, enjoy solitude, and finish a book without a little one on my lap was a distant fantasy. I needed that break.
Fast forward a decade, and I was living the dream — only the dream was at home. It took being thousands of miles away for me to realize that I no longer needed a break from my life.
I certainly didn’t miss the daily grind of parenting. What I longed for were my children, their smiles, their eye-rolling, their unique humor, and my understanding of how to guide them through their challenges. Family life is demanding and requires constant effort, but after all these years, I’ve come to terms with it. I no longer need to escape. My life is filled with chaos, intense emotions, fierce love, mundane routines, too little sleep, and too much coffee. It is a life of wonder, and it is worth missing.
That night I cried myself to sleep listening to the lullaby playlist my youngest listens to. I woke up with puffy eyes, still missing home, but ready to discover who I am beyond just “Mom.” As it turns out, I’m a pretty awesome surfer.
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Summary
After years of parenting, the author takes her first solo vacation and is surprised to find herself feeling lonely and emotional, realizing she no longer needs a break from her chaotic yet fulfilling life with her children.