It’s 7:58 a.m., and the chaotic rush to get out the door for school has finally settled. I step back into the kitchen to assess the aftermath: coffee stains, milk splatters, crumbs everywhere, and a generous smear of peanut butter across the countertop. A bowl with soggy cereal floats next to another where oatmeal has begun to harden. Meanwhile, the dog is eagerly trying to snatch some leftover scrambled eggs that my youngest left behind. In the midst of this mess lies my teenager’s neglected lunch.
I send a quick text to my daughter:
“Hey, you forgot your lunch.”
“Oops, sorry! Can you bring it?”
After glancing at my schedule, I let her know I can drop it at the front desk shortly. “Thanks, Mom!” she replies instantly. I respond with a heart emoji, gather up the dirty dishes, and get on with my day.
Sure, I now have to make an unexpected trip to her school, but I’m completely fine with it. In fact, I’m delighted to help my teen, despite the constant warnings that by bailing her out, she’ll never truly learn how to navigate adulthood.
Honestly, that’s just nonsense.
I’m exhausted by parenting experts telling me how I’m hindering my teenager’s preparation for adulthood. If I’m too friendly, I apparently lack the necessary boundaries. If I do her laundry, I’m supposedly robbing her of crucial life skills. And heaven forbid I deliver her lunch—how will she ever cope in the real world if she doesn’t experience hunger?
I don’t buy into the idea that the only way to prepare our children for life is to let them face every consequence of their actions. I understand the intent behind it: we want to prevent a generation of entitled kids by allowing them to learn from their mistakes. I agree with that goal, but I don’t think the solutions are as straightforward as they appear. Leaving my daughter without her lunch sends the message that I won’t be there for her when she needs assistance. That doesn’t sit right with me.
Self-sufficiency and accountability are crucial, of course. Young adults need to master basic skills such as waking up on their own, feeding themselves, managing busy schedules, and maintaining personal hygiene—just to name a few.
Add to that the daily grind of being a teenager. My daughter has long school days followed by sports practices, piles of homework, and tests to study for. Between her academic and social life, she’s constantly plugged into technology. When she wants to spend quality time with friends, she plans accordingly to ensure everything else is taken care of. Lately, she’s even been turning her phone off early because she’s too wiped out to stay connected.
Before you roll your eyes at my “perfect” teen, let me assure you, she’s got her fair share of sass and demands. She grumbles if her soccer jersey isn’t clean for the next day’s game or if we’re out of her favorite cereal. Naturally, it’s my fault for not doing laundry or grocery shopping. In those moments, I remind her that she can sort clothes, pour detergent, and press a few buttons herself. She has options for breakfast beyond her favorites.
We don’t do our older kids any favors by constantly rescuing them or smoothing the path ahead. Learning to handle discomfort and overcome challenges is essential for kids to discover their identity, strengths, and areas for improvement.
I want that for my kids too, but I also want them to understand that it’s perfectly okay to ask for help when they need it. My aim isn’t just to raise capable adults; I also want them to feel loved and supported, especially when they’re making an effort to get things right.
I don’t respond well to demands, but I view helping my teenager as a chance to model empathy and understanding—qualities I want her to embody. Being an adult isn’t only about being responsible and completing tasks; it’s also about recognizing when to seek assistance and feeling comfortable doing so. Giving my teen a bit of grace allows her to feel supported, which I believe fosters her confidence and nurtures her empathy. And let’s be honest, the world could use more kind-hearted individuals.
Being a teenager is challenging enough. I’m not about to make it harder. So yes, sweetheart, I’m more than happy to bring your forgotten lunch today. Just remember to do your laundry when you get home.
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In summary, supporting our teenagers doesn’t hinder their growth into adulthood. It provides them with the love and understanding they need while still encouraging their independence. The balance between helping and allowing them to face consequences is key.