I have never understood the mindset of parents who urge their kids to remain virgins until marriage. Firstly, we don’t possess our children’s bodies; their virginity belongs solely to them, and the choice of when to give it up is theirs as well. It’s unrealistic to impose such beliefs on them. If they decide they want to engage in premarital sex, they should feel free to explore that choice without shame or secrecy from us. Sex is a natural part of life, and trying to enforce our views on their sexuality feels selfish. Who are we really trying to please in such scenarios?
Moreover, promoting abstinence can severely hinder communication with our children. They may still make their own choices about their bodies and desires, but the likelihood of discussing it with us diminishes. Personally, I prefer open conversations over attempts at control.
It also seems hypocritical. Many parents experienced fulfilling sexual relationships before marriage; why should we expect our children to limit themselves to one partner indefinitely, as traditional vows suggest? If you, as a parent, chose to wait until marriage, it’s perfectly fine to share that decision and your reasoning, but expecting your children to replicate your experience isn’t fair.
Reflecting on my early teenage years, I remember telling my mother that I intended to wait until marriage to have sex. She praised my choice but didn’t make it a focal point. A year or two later, I realized that my decision stemmed more from a crush on a celebrity than a genuine belief. Ultimately, I decided to wait until I was in love and felt the moment was right.
I lost my virginity at 20 to someone I liked, but I certainly wasn’t in love. When I became pregnant with my son, his father and I were in a committed relationship, yet we weren’t engaged or married.
My upbringing didn’t include pressure to abstain, thanks to my parents’ realistic perspective on sexuality and bodily autonomy. Out of curiosity, I explored the rationale behind the “no sex until marriage” viewpoint. Unsurprisingly, most of what I found was rooted in religious beliefs. One particularly striking site was Aleteia.org, which highlighted several reasons for postponing sexual activity until marriage: it fosters better communication in relationships, improves relationships with parents, and reduces the risk of abuse. This implies that sex somehow diminishes our humanity and transforms us into uncontrolled beings. (Of course, I recognize that not all religious parents propagate these views.)
Currently, my son is just 3 years old, so discussions about sex are still distant. However, time flies, and soon we will need to navigate those conversations. I want him to understand that sex is a normal, natural, and positive aspect of life, and that thinking about it or engaging in it consensually and safely is perfectly acceptable.
It’s astonishing that sex remains a taboo topic in our society. The reality is that it happens, and it will continue to happen. According to Advocates for Youth, about 70% of young people will have sex by age 19. While I’m not advocating for teenage sex, it’s essential to acknowledge this reality and create a supportive space for our kids to discuss all aspects of their lives.
As a parent, it’s crucial for me to convey my support to my son. I want him to genuinely reflect on what sex means and ensure he waits until he is truly ready. I aim to foster an environment where he feels comfortable approaching me for open and honest discussions. My goal is to provide him with comprehensive information so he can make informed choices and have access to contraception and STI testing.
Furthermore, Advocates for Youth reports that approximately 95% of individuals engage in sexual activity before marriage, particularly as marriage ages rise. It’s unrealistic to expect that everyone will wait until their 30s.
For me, the key lessons I want to teach my son about sex revolve around safety and consent. Ultimately, he will decide when he feels ready. I will never pressure him to wait because I trust that I have raised a responsible individual. By making sex seem forbidden or secretive, we inadvertently increase its allure.
I want to avoid placing unrealistic expectations on my child and hope to be the trusted source he turns to for answers rather than relying on the internet or peers. Like all parents, I aspire to provide him with the best guidance possible.
In sum, it’s vital to foster an open, honest dialogue about sexuality with our children, allowing them to explore and understand their own values and choices in a safe and supportive environment.