I had been home from work for a couple of hours, and my partner, Sarah, and I hadn’t shared a kiss yet. Usually, it’s part of our routine, but with three kids under 10, things can get hectic. Sarah was busy preparing dinner, while our youngest, a messy toddler in a onesie, clung to her leg, crying for attention. Meanwhile, my two oldest, Oliver and Lily, were at the table, embroiled in a dispute over homework. Oliver was trying to help Lily with her math, but she was not in the mood, and before long, they were arguing. “I just want to help!” Oliver pleaded, while Lily wailed, “I want Mommy!”
This is often what it’s like when I get home from work—pure chaos. I recently came across some charming artwork on Bored Panda that illustrated couples in love, with images of two people embracing. One particular painting depicted a woman reaching for tomatoes at the kitchen counter, while her partner lovingly embraced her from behind. Those moments resonate with me because Sarah and I have shared similar instances throughout our 13 years together. But with kids in the picture, the reality is far from a picturesque love story.
Instead of sweet intimacy, there are times it feels more like a business partnership. I can recognize the look on Sarah’s face—her lips pressed tightly, eyes wide open, silently asking for help. And while I yearn to pull her close and share a kiss, during those frenzied moments, there’s simply no time for romance.
I dropped my bag, changed our youngest, Mia, and simultaneously attempted to mediate the argument between Oliver and Lily, as if I were on a high-stakes phone call diffusing a crisis. While Sarah continued to cook, I helped set the table once dinner was ready. Our evening unfolded with hardly any conversation; we didn’t ask about each other’s day or share any physical affection. We had learned how to collaborate seamlessly as parents. Although it might not sound romantic, there’s beauty in that.
It’s comforting to know that Sarah is on this journey with me. We’ve reached a point where we don’t need to ask how we can assist one another; we simply know what needs to be done for our children. Unfortunately, many people might view these moments as signs of a relationship growing stagnant, mistaking it for a lack of passion. However, I believe it’s just the nature of being married and raising a family together. While marriage and parenting can be immensely rewarding, they often don’t resemble the fairy tale endings we see in movies.
Sometimes it feels like two business partners discussing finances. At other times, it involves dividing responsibilities to tackle challenges concurrently, or supporting each other in matters of discipline. It can also mean appreciating your partner even when they haven’t had a moment to change out of their sweatpants for the day.
This doesn’t imply that we should accept this as the norm and abandon romance altogether. It’s essential to cherish those little moments of connection amidst the chaos. When everything feels overwhelming, remember that you have a partner who is dedicated to navigating one of life’s toughest challenges—parenting. There’s a unique beauty in that commitment.
Once the kids were finally asleep and the dishes were done, Sarah and I were winding down when I realized, “You haven’t kissed me.”
She turned around, a smile creeping on her face, replying, “You haven’t kissed me either.”
We stood there for a moment, waiting for the other to make the first move. Finally, we walked towards each other and shared a kiss. I held her for a moment, and for that brief instant, we resembled the couple in those paintings. We both smiled, but just then, we heard a creak from down the hall. It was Mia, out of bed and wandering toward us.
Without saying a word, I released Sarah, scooped up Mia, and took her back to bed. And just like that, our romantic moment was on pause—at least for now.
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In summary, parenting can often overshadow the romantic aspects of marriage, leading couples to feel more like roommates than partners in love. However, the ability to work together through the daily chaos is a testament to the strength of your bond. It’s essential to remember to make time for intimacy, even amidst the demands of raising a family.