As part of my daily routine after sending the kids off to school, I find myself shutting my daughter’s bedroom door. Each time I peek inside, I feel a wave of frustration wash over me. Clothes are scattered everywhere, and papers clutter her desk. I can’t help but sigh and think, “What’s her deal? How hard is it to toss the clothes in the hamper?” It never fails to put me in a sour mood.
However, when I turn the corner and enter my own room, reality hits me hard. My pajamas are strewn across my floor, and I recall how messy my own childhood room was—often resembling a clothing store explosion.
I am a perfectionist at heart. I often say I’m a recovering perfectionist, yet the truth is that part of me remains—always ready to voice its discontent. I find this tendency spilling over into my parenting, and it makes me uneasy.
Rebecca Adams, author of The Ultimate Guide to Positive Parenting, notes, “Children are often penalized for simply being human. They aren’t permitted to have mood swings, bad days, or unkind responses. Meanwhile, we adults experience these emotions regularly. None of us are flawless, yet we hold our children to an unrealistic standard.”
Guilty as charged.
I can’t tell you how frequently I wake up feeling grumpy. My tone can be sharp, and I snap at everyone without justification. But I justify it because I’m an adult, right? The question is, do we extend the same understanding and compassion to our kids?
I genuinely try, but it’s a constant challenge to keep this in mind. With children, there’s often an underlying cause for their temper tantrums or bad days. It’s my responsibility to uncover that root issue. Perhaps they didn’t sleep well, someone was unkind at school, or they simply woke up on the wrong side of the bed. They are human too.
Yet, we sometimes forget this. We react by raising our voices or withdrawing, especially when faced with the emotional rollercoaster of tweens and teens.
I sometimes look at my little ones and only see their demands, failing to recognize that their neediness is part of being human. They aren’t trying to make my life difficult; they’re trying to navigate their own. They require my guidance, love, and support.
And I need support too. If there were a title for the queen of neediness, I’d likely wear that crown.
I’ve been telling my kids lately that it’s okay to feel angry or upset with me, as long as they express those feelings appropriately. They can retreat to their room, scream into a pillow, and then talk it out once they’ve calmed down. I strive to model these behaviors myself.
I’m learning to differentiate between punishing them for being human and addressing genuinely unacceptable behavior. It’s exhausting to navigate this distinction, especially in a family filled with intense emotions.
With a three-year-old throwing tantrums, a tween rolling her eyes, and a moody teenager, a mom can find her patience tested. It’s crucial to remember that the little humans we are raising deserve grace and compassion for their big feelings. Punishing them for being upset isn’t always the right approach.
Here are some strategies I use to keep myself grounded:
- Check if there might be something deeper affecting my child.
- Ask my kids what’s bothering them.
- Reflect on how I would feel if I were reprimanded in the same way.
- Consider if I’m guilty of similar behavior; would I face punishment for it?
One afternoon, my daughter came home upset and angry at everyone. My frustration grew with her attitude. I thought about isolating her to avoid her emotional outburst, but something inside nudged me to connect with her instead.
I paused and sat with her on the couch. She didn’t say much, but I could see her breathing slow and her eyes calm as she gazed out the window. What she needed most was my presence and attention.
The key takeaway here is that there’s no universal solution; we must remember that our children are human too. If we let go of unrealistic expectations, our families can become much happier.
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Summary:
Children should not be punished for expressing their emotions naturally, as it is part of being human. Parents often face the challenge of managing their own perfectionist tendencies while understanding their children’s needs. By fostering an environment of empathy and allowing children to experience their feelings, families can create a happier and healthier atmosphere.