As a parent, I’ve come to realize how much my children reflect both the positive and negative aspects of myself and my partner. When they test my patience, it often reveals traits within me, which I’ve come to label after years of reflection as “pathological persistence.”
On tough days, I remind myself that while strong-willed children can be challenging to raise, they often grow into self-sufficient adults. The energy I invest in them now will hopefully pay off in the future when they’re thriving independently.
Despite the tough moments, the joy they bring can erase even the most trying of days. Their laughter, heartfelt notes found in backpacks, and creative projects proudly displaying their love serve as reminders of the beautiful journey of parenting. Time seems to create a balance that helps parents endure while fostering growth in their kids.
I can already see resilience and determination in my 7-year-old daughter, Mia. Recently, when a building kit arrived missing over 40 pieces, she faced a pivotal moment. Instead of crying over the setback, she adapted by using her brother’s spare parts and even reached out to the manufacturer, who responded positively. It made me envision a bright future for her—perhaps as a corporate leader, tackling challenges head-on. She’s truly remarkable.
However, her accommodating nature has a downside. As a problem-solver and peacekeeper, Mia often prioritizes others’ needs over her own, leading to a cycle of unnecessary apologies. The phrase “I’m sorry” has become a staple in our home.
For instance, while making muffins, when I pointed out a smaller muffin cup, she immediately said, “I’m sorry, Mom.” When we were making the bed and a corner popped off, she exclaimed, “I’m sorry!” Even when her brothers create a mess, she instinctively apologizes to me. The frequency of her apologies is concerning.
I fully support teaching my children to be polite and caring, but the constant need to apologize—especially for things beyond her control—is a behavior I wish to change. Unlike her brothers or her father, Mia’s apologies seem to stem from me.
I first noticed her habit of apologizing around the age of 4 or 5. It became a pattern that I tried to correct, telling her she doesn’t need to say sorry for things she didn’t do. I thought I was being proactive, but then I realized I was echoing my own behaviors. Just this morning, when I asked her to check on the muffins, I reflexively apologized for interrupting her reading.
This pattern—apologizing for asking something of her, for being a burden, or for simply existing—has become ingrained. The broader issue of women feeling the need to downplay themselves is not new. Many discussions have been held on this topic, including a notable TED Talk by Sheryl Sandberg. I’ve studied this extensively and know better.
At a recent women’s conference, I heard experienced female cardiologists sharing how they hesitated to negotiate contracts due to fear of being labeled as “difficult” or “pushy.” Even today, women—regardless of their accomplishments—receive the message that they should be agreeable, quiet, and not assert their needs. I’ve inadvertently passed this message on to Mia, and for that, I’m truly remorseful.
On a positive note, I’m raising a daughter who seeks harmony and is willing to take responsibility when warranted. These are admirable qualities, but it’s crucial to teach her not to accept blame that isn’t hers. She should never apologize for her intelligence, strength, or presence. Every day presents an opportunity to guide her toward understanding the difference between real accountability and simply being empathetic.
As I work to shift this mindset, I aim to eliminate what I call “sorry confetti” from our conversations. Apologies should be reserved for genuine mistakes, not used to diminish her worth or presence.
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In summary, the journey of parenting involves teaching our children the distinction between appropriate apologies and unnecessary ones. By guiding them to embrace their strengths and needs without excessive apologies, we empower them to thrive in a world where they can confidently assert themselves.