Believe it or not, there’s a 24-year difference between my eldest daughter, Emma, and my twin girls, Lily and Grace. Yes, you read that correctly—twenty-four years, not months! I welcomed my first child at 18, and after she left home, I thought it would be a great time to begin anew. I had my twins at 42. Interestingly, Emma now has a daughter of her own, which briefly made me a pregnant grandmother—a story for another time.
Having brought up a daughter in the 1990s and now raising two more in the 2010s, people often ask me what the most significant difference is. The answer is simple: the internet has eroded my maternal instincts in ways I never anticipated.
During my first parenting experience, I never consulted a single parenting book or article. I relied heavily on my instincts, no matter how flawed they may have been. My mom was my only source of advice, often shared between puffs of her cigarette. Her guidance might have been questionable at times, but she raised me, and I turned out mostly alright. So, I figured, why not trust my instincts?
With the arrival of my twins, I was overwhelmed by the wealth of information available online. Before they were even born, I found myself lost in a sea of Google searches, like “Why do my babies hiccup so much in the womb?” Back then, I would have thought, “Maybe I had something spicy,” or “They’re just exercising.” But according to the internet, my babies were likely in grave danger, which had me panicking. (True story: after a particularly frantic search session, I was in tears, convinced something was wrong, only for my husband to find me nearly rocking in the fetal position.)
Despite my doctor’s advice to stay off the internet, I didn’t listen. Things spiraled further once the twins arrived. I researched every little thing and downloaded countless apps to track their feeding schedules, diaper changes, milestones, and more. I found myself paralyzed by indecision, completely losing touch with my maternal intuition. By the time they were just two months old, I had become a shell of my former self, second-guessing every decision I made.
To be fair, the internet has its perks. I connected with other incredible twin moms, scored a fantastic running stroller on Craigslist, and have been able to keep in touch with my mom, who lives far away. However, with the constant barrage of judgment, conflicting information, and catastrophic scenarios, it’s easy to spiral into self-doubt and anxiety. Eventually, I realized I needed to take a step back and breathe. I discovered a balance that allowed me to reclaim some of my instincts. If you want to do the same, here are some tips:
Ignore the Judgment
I had no idea about “mommy wars” or “mom shaming” until I got sucked into the online parenting world. Sure, judgment has always existed, but it used to come from relatives like my Great Aunt Carol, who would cluck her tongue disapprovingly. Now, that same judgment echoes throughout cyberspace, magnified a million times. The reality is, nobody has the definitive answer. We’re all just trying to navigate this journey together.
Be Aware of Conflicting Information
The internet is flooded with contradictory advice: carry your baby everywhere, but don’t! Co-sleeping is beneficial, yet also harmful. For every piece of advice, there’s an opposing view. I’ve tried everything, and they all work or don’t depending on your family’s unique needs. Find what suits you and ignore the rest.
Avoid Catastrophic What-If Scenarios
Researching answers can lead to spiraling into worst-case scenarios. I’ve caught myself worrying over trivial issues, convinced my baby had a serious condition based on a minor blemish. While some concerns are valid, most of the time it’s just a pimple. If you must search, limit your inquiries and consult a doctor for real concerns.
Steer Clear of the Comments Section
Whatever you do, avoid the comments section. It’s a vortex of judgment and conflicting advice. I’ve wasted countless hours in there, only to emerge feeling disoriented and frustrated. Nothing good comes from scrolling through those comments.
Trust Your Instincts
This is perhaps the hardest lesson. It’s easy to doubt ourselves and seek validation. Instead, lean on your trusted support network, whether online or offline. Your instincts are still there; trust them.
I still look things up online, but I’ve learned to take everything with a grain of salt. I trust my gut more often now. Occasionally, I’ll call my mom for advice. Even though she’s been out of the parenting loop for years, hearing her voice say, “Honey, it’s just a phase. They’ll grow out of it,” brings me comfort. It may not fix everything, but it reassures me that I’m not alone in this journey. My instincts, like my mom’s advice, come from a place of love.
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Summary
The author reflects on the stark differences in parenting between raising a child 24 years ago and today, particularly the overwhelming influence of the internet. While it provides useful information, it often leads to self-doubt and anxiety. By trusting their instincts and seeking balanced advice, parents can navigate the challenges of parenting in the digital age.