For a brief moment, I struggled to comprehend her words; they felt disjointed and obscure.
“I want to stay at Dad’s. I don’t want to be here tonight.”
I felt my breath catch.
My 6-year-old daughter, Mia, watched me process her request. A solitary tear rolled down her cheek.
“What?” I finally managed to ask.
“I don’t want to stay here. I want to go to Dad’s. I want to stay there,” she reiterated.
I wish I could tell you I remained calm, that I looked across the kitchen table and assured her I would support her decision to spend the night at her father’s. That she could spend as much time as she desired with either parent. But the truth is, I faltered.
Heat crept up my neck, and a lump formed in my throat as I responded, “Why? Aren’t you happy here with Mommy? You just came from Dad’s house.”
She turned away. “I know. I miss him.”
“Won’t you miss me? This is our time. Why do you want to be with Dad? Is it because he lets you stay up later or watch more TV? You can tell me. I won’t be upset.” My words spilled out in a rush, laden with desperation.
Mia shrugged and looked away.
I didn’t understand. She had just spent five days with her dad, and we had just enjoyed a perfectly ordinary Saturday lunch together. Why did she want to leave?
My heart raced, and panic set in. I feared I was losing my girl to Fun Dad, and it was happening right in front of me. I felt scared, ashamed, and overwhelmed.
I glanced at my other two children, who were watching me with confusion. They could see my distress. I excused myself and retreated to my room, the tears spilling forth as I closed the door.
I called my ex, Tom, crying as I asked him what he had done to make Mia prefer being at his house. I replayed every parenting difference in my mind, convinced that she wanted to be there because of something he allowed that I didn’t. Tom reassured me that it was likely just a phase and suggested it would pass by bedtime.
Hours passed, and my sweet Mia remained firm in her decision. When Tom picked her up, I watched her leave in silence, afraid to speak. After putting my boys to bed, I cried myself to sleep.
The next day, Mia called and asked to stay another night. The same thing happened the following night. Four days went by with her at her dad’s during what should have been my time. Tom told me she was cheerful and engaged, not mentioning the unusual arrangement except to express her desire to stay longer.
On the fifth day, she returned to me, and Tom and I agreed that Mia needed counseling before we adjusted the schedule again. I scheduled an appointment for the following week, feeling queasy at the thought of what she might reveal. I dreaded the idea of losing her if she voiced some hidden truth about life at my house.
When I finally stepped into the counselor’s office, I was shocked by what I learned. Mia was happy at my house; she felt safe and loved, just as she did at her dad’s. She worried that Tom was getting married soon and feared he might forget about her, so she thought she should spend extra time with him. She understood that she could love both parents and be happy in both homes.
What broke my heart was her next revelation. Mia had decided not to ask for anything that might upset me or Tom. She wanted to protect us from pain, even if it meant neglecting her own needs.
My little girl, at just 6 years old, was trying to shield us from hurt by suppressing her own feelings. That realization struck me hard. I had inadvertently shifted the burden of my emotions onto her, asking her to care for me in a way that was far too heavy for a child.
We’ve since had many conversations about this. It took time, but Mia now knows that her happiness is my priority, and she is free to navigate her time between homes without guilt. This newfound freedom has restored her joy, and I’m grateful for that.
I share this story to remind divorced mothers that a happy child who loves both parents is a treasure. Don’t fret over your position in their lives. Let them talk about their experiences in both homes; it provides a glimpse into their world that is invaluable.
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In summary, my biggest mistake as a divorced mom was allowing my fears to overshadow my daughter’s needs. I learned that it’s vital to support her emotional well-being, even if it means facing my own discomfort.