Is It Rude, Is It Mean, or Is It Bullying?

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Recently, I had the wonderful opportunity to share my work on bullying prevention with children at a community bookstore. The event was not only uplifting but also drew the attention of a journalist who wrote a delightful piece about my book and my initiatives with parents, educators, and youth care professionals. This exposure led to numerous discussions within my community, especially from those who recognized my photo in the article and resonated with the bullying examples I presented.

Since the article was published, I’ve been moved to tears by parents expressing their frustration and helplessness regarding their children’s encounters with bullying in schools. One particularly insightful middle school student shared his heart-wrenching experiences of relentless physical and verbal bullying on his school bus. Another young girl recounted how she felt pressured to abandon her Australian accent within a month of starting school in the U.S. The prevalence of these stories is consistently shocking; the cruelty that children face is astounding.

I want to clarify that many accounts of bullying I receive are undeniably distressing and, in some cases, profoundly cruel. However, there are also instances that, while upsetting, may not necessarily fit the typical definition of bullying. For example, a friend recently told me about her daughter’s experience: “I read your article, and I had no idea you worked with bullied kids. It’s critical that you do! Just last week, my daughter was bullied really badly after school! A boy threw a handful of leaves in her face as she got off the bus!”

When I asked how her daughter reacted, the mother explained, “She was fine. She said they were just having fun together.” This made me realize that although parents often seek to categorize behaviors as bullying, many incidents stem from misunderstandings or playful interactions among kids.

Understanding the Differences

To differentiate between rude, mean, and bullying behavior, I draw from the insights of renowned children’s author, Trudy Ludwig. Here’s how I categorize these behaviors:

• Rude: Inadvertently saying or doing something that hurts another person. For instance, a relative might comment on my curly red hair with, “Have you ever thought about coloring it?” While well-intentioned, such remarks can sting. Kids might display rudeness by burping in someone’s face or cutting in line; these behaviors are often impulsive and unplanned, stemming from thoughtlessness rather than a desire to hurt.
• Mean: Purposefully saying or doing something hurtful to someone once or maybe twice. Unlike rudeness, mean behavior is intentional and aims to demean. Children may make cruel comments about someone’s appearance or intelligence, often fueled by anger or a desire to elevate themselves at another’s expense.
• Bullying: This involves intentional aggression that is repeated over time, accompanied by a power imbalance. Bullying is characterized by a deliberate attempt to cause harm, such as physical aggression, verbal attacks, relational aggression (like social exclusion), or cyberbullying. This behavior is often persistent, showing a lack of remorse even after the target expresses pain.

Recognizing the differences between these behaviors is crucial. With the current focus on bullying in schools, it’s important to accurately categorize experiences to ensure that the severe issue of bullying retains its significance. If we inaccurately label rudeness or meanness as bullying, we risk diluting the urgency of real bullying cases, which can have devastating consequences.

In our society, where awareness of bullying has risen significantly, it’s essential that adults, including parents, educators, and community members, can discern between these behaviors effectively. This understanding could make a life-saving difference for children facing genuine bullying situations.

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Summary

The distinction between rudeness, meanness, and bullying is vital for understanding children’s interactions. Rudeness is often unintentional, while meanness is deliberate but typically infrequent. Bullying, however, involves repeated aggressive behavior with a power imbalance. Accurate categorization is crucial for addressing bullying effectively and ensuring that children receive the support they need.