For the initial eight years of motherhood, I dedicated myself entirely as a stay-at-home mom. While I did engage in some part-time work as a breastfeeding adviser and lactation consultant, it predominantly took place on weekends. Although I cherished that role, it didn’t offer much respite from my little ones — think adorable, crying infants and new mothers in tears.
In recent years, I transitioned into freelance writing from home. With my youngest now in school, I’ve found myself spending increasingly more time in my “office” (which is actually my bedroom) typing away. While this setup doesn’t provide a break from parenting, it grants me about 20 hours a week in a tranquil space (I’m not the type who can write with distractions) away from my kids, engaging in my own work — and it feels absolutely wonderful.
It’s interesting how you can often overlook how challenging things were until you experience an improvement. Reflecting on those first eight years of motherhood, I now recognize just how drained I was. Yes, becoming a stay-at-home mom was a lifelong dream of mine. I signed up for it, embracing the constant demands, the intensity, and being available for my children around the clock.
I wouldn’t trade those early years of parenting for anything; they resembled a profound, passionate love story. My children’s needs intertwined with my own. However, during many of those years, I grappled with anxiety and depression, far more than I realized. By the end of each day, I often felt utterly exhausted and depleted, as if my body weighed a ton. By 5 p.m., I was completely wiped out. This fatigue stemmed not only from the sleepless nights that accompany young children but also from a sense of sensory overload, leaving me feeling disconnected from my inner self, engulfed by drool, spit-up, and tears.
A few years back, I discovered the work of Dr. Elaine Aron, a psychologist who introduced the term “highly sensitive person” (HSP). As I read her descriptions, it was like a light switched on in my mind. That was me, without a doubt, and it clarified so many struggles I faced throughout my life and during those years of parenting.
Highly sensitive individuals often feel overwhelmed by sensory stimuli (like bright lights, loud noises, and chaotic surroundings). They tend to be overstimulated and frequently need to retreat earlier than others, especially in social settings. They are naturally sensitive, introverted, and often seek solitude.
Given this, it’s no surprise that the loud, hectic nature of parenthood could push a highly sensitive person to their limits, right? Early in my parenting journey, I realized I wasn’t going to be the type of mom who organized countless playdates or social gatherings for my children. I made it a point to prioritize nap and nighttime as quiet time for myself. I rarely scheduled housework or demanding tasks during those hours. After my kids went to bed, I seldom went out because all I craved was the blissful silence of my sleeping home.
In many ways, I found a way to parent happily as a sensitive person, ensuring I took time for self-care. However, I now understand that those moments were probably insufficient; I need several hours a day of uninterrupted quiet time to maintain my mental well-being. I require time to process, reflect, and decompress — far more than what a mother on duty around the clock can manage.
While I do miss my full-time days as a mom in many respects (most of all, I miss my kids as babies), I also recognize how much better the current balance is for my mental and emotional health. I know some mothers thrive on the 24/7 hustle, and I commend them. But I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am not one of them for the long haul.
Instead of suppressing my sensitivity or feeling ashamed of it, I now embrace and celebrate these qualities. My ability to absorb everything around me is a gift (and likely one of the reasons I became a writer). It makes me deeply attuned to my children’s needs, whether I’m physically present or not.
Even with the balance I’ve achieved, I still need to occasionally retreat from the chaos of life with my kids, and they understand that about me. “I just need some silence,” I tell them as I head into my bedroom for a moment of meditation. They have started to learn that prioritizing one’s needs is not a weakness but rather a strength.
Every mother faces unique challenges and limitations. It can be difficult to prioritize your own needs, especially in the trenches of early motherhood. However, feeling overwhelmed and stressed is detrimental to both you and your kids. The harsh reality is that looking after your mental health is crucial as a mother.
Recognizing what you need to feel balanced and content is the vital first step, and taking whatever actions necessary to achieve that will ultimately benefit everyone in the long run. For more insights, check out this resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, as a highly sensitive person, daily solitude is not just a luxury; it’s a necessity for my well-being. Balancing self-care with parenting can be challenging, but it’s essential for maintaining mental health and nurturing our children effectively.