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- Do You Love Your Child More Than You Dislike Your Ex?
By Emma Johnson
Updated: June 7, 2017
Originally Published: May 16, 2017
As we drive through the city, my son Lucas poses a question that lingers in the air. “Mom, are most divorced people like you and Dad, or do they usually resent each other?” It’s just the two of us on this rare outing, and I cherish both his curiosity and the chance to connect.
“I’m not sure,” I reply. “What do you think?”
“I think most divorced people can’t stand each other.” Lucas continues sharing insights from his classmates who act as intermediaries between their feuding parents. He mentions phone arguments, kids anxious about custody swaps, and friends struggling with their mental health. At twelve years old, he’s already seen a lot.
“Why don’t you and Dad argue like that?”
I often get this question, but usually from adults who are curious about the seemingly unique friendship my ex-husband, Mark, and I maintain. They speculate that perhaps our divorce was easy or that there’s some special quality to our relationship that allows us to be civil. The truth is, our divorce was far from simple. We both experienced pain and blame, feelings of rejection, and the sense of failure in building a family.
I tell Lucas, “Mark and I don’t fight because we made a conscious decision early on to treat our divorce as a singular wound.”
He gives me a confused look, so I elaborate. “When we separated, we understood it would hurt the three of you. We realized we could either inflict pain repeatedly or choose to heal and seek happiness separately. Some parents continue to hurt each other and their kids by staying together despite their unhappiness, while others fight over every detail after separating—like parenting time, clothes, and vacations.”
He nods, absorbing my words.
“For months after we separated, we didn’t talk to each other,” I share, revealing a part of our history that he doesn’t remember. I recount the late-night arguments when the kids were asleep, emphasizing how even then, we agreed on one crucial point: the divorce would be the only major hurt we would inflict on our children. Our commitment to this principle was reinforced in therapy during our separation.
“Mark and I still have our differences. You know that best because you live with both of us. We have different parenting styles and interests. However, we both prioritize you above all else. Our commitment to co-parenting is what’s best for your well-being.”
“Mark and I love you too much to harbor hatred for one another.”
I explain that harboring resentment towards Mark would mean harboring negativity towards half of Lucas’s identity. Allowing anger to fill my heart would taint the joyful memories I hold from our time as a family. Opting for love over hate allows us to positively shape our children’s narrative.
Like all humans, I have my share of imperfect memories. Disagreements still arise, despite our best efforts to present a united front for the kids. I’m sure Mark feels the same way. Sometimes, I can sense the irritation in his voice when he thinks I’m being too insistent on an issue. Our journey is complicated and filled with emotions, yet our choice to co-parent has remained steadfast.
Our goal, much like any family’s, is to ensure our children feel secure and supported. Mark and I didn’t fail in creating a family by divorcing; instead, our dedication to co-parenting means we remain united in our love for our children. This path we chose prioritizes their health and happiness, much like many couples who stay together.
Peaceful co-parenting may seem daunting, especially if you’re feeling far apart from your partner right now. I understand; Mark and I didn’t always share this harmony. However, even the most challenging situations can lead to successful co-parenting. Start small, love your kids, and take that first step today. For more insights on navigating parenting after separation, check out this helpful resource.
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