In Support of Retaining Your Maiden Name

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I’ve never had a compelling reason for keeping my maiden name after tying the knot; it simply felt like a step that didn’t need to be taken in merging our two distinct lives. Contrary to what some might think, my decision wasn’t a deliberate act of feminism or a statement against patriarchal norms—though I wholeheartedly support dismantling the patriarchy. It was merely that I couldn’t think of a valid justification for changing it, so I chose not to.

My husband was indifferent about the matter. We even toyed with the idea of him adopting my last name or us creating a completely new surname together. Our parents weren’t particularly fond of that suggestion, but I still think it would have been pretty cool to be the Smiths or the Johnsons. Just imagine the Christmas cards!

As for tradition, I honestly don’t believe keeping my last name has altered my life in any meaningful way. I feel just as married and connected to my husband as anyone else might. The day after our wedding, I woke up feeling a subtle yet unmistakable shift—one that had nothing to do with the amusing fact that we could finally share a bed at my parents’ house. Sure, I still get frustrated when he misplaces things, and he rolls his eyes when I want to talk about my day before 8 a.m.—isn’t that what marriage is really about?

I’ve always felt that my identity is intertwined with my name, so why should I change it? I’ve achieved many milestones under that name: I survived high school, graduated from college, and learned not to overindulge in peppermint schnapps. I earned my master’s degree in physical therapy, fell in love, and moved far away from my family. My name has been with me through thick and thin, including some unforgettable adventures—Mexico, anyone?

Once, a friend asked, “Doesn’t it bother you that your kids don’t share your last name?” I couldn’t understand why it would. Does it mean I’m less connected to them? They literally came from me. For over a year, they relied on me for nourishment. They say my name countless times each day. Sometimes, I can barely peel my youngest off me long enough to grab a bite to eat. I have to plead for just five minutes of solitude! I think our bond is strong enough without our last names matching.

What about the idea that it wouldn’t feel like we’re part of the same family? I don’t share a last name with my sister, and yet we talk almost daily about everything under the sun. She remains just as much family to me as when we shared a surname.

Do I worry about being perceived as a kidnapper when traveling? Occasionally, but I’ve never faced confusion while flying with my children, enrolling them in school, or making doctor’s appointments. The name situation has never presented any problems during nearly two decades of marriage.

It’s shocking that a significant number of Americans believe women should be legally mandated to take their husband’s surname. Why should anyone care what others do? If it feels right to take his name, do it. If never getting married resonates with you, that’s perfectly fine too. If you want to live in one country while your partner resides in another, but you manage to connect every week, go for it! Live authentically and cultivate your relationships on your own terms—that’s the secret to happiness.

So, if you’re preparing for marriage and haven’t made up your mind about your last name, remember that it should be the least of your concerns. Don’t let anyone pressure you, and know that you can always change your mind later. Save your energy for more pressing matters, like teaching your partner how to put their clothes away or ensuring the toilet seat is down.

And if your partner’s last name happens to be Bond, then by all means, change it!

For additional insights, check out our other blog post to explore further. If you’re interested in home insemination, you might want to take a look at the resources offered by Make a Mom, which is an authority on the topic.

In summary, keeping your last name after marriage is a personal choice that can reflect your values and identity. Don’t feel pressured by societal norms; focus on what feels right for you and your family.