As a parent, I strive to maintain a calm atmosphere, but raising my voice can sometimes feel unavoidable. Having experienced intense anger during my childhood and as an adult, I’ve become acutely aware of how loud voices affect me emotionally and physically. I never anticipated that my own voice could trigger those same feelings until I became a parent.
My son, Leo, will turn 5 this fall, and he is generally a joyful and well-behaved child. Like many kids his age, he has gone through phases of biting, hitting, and throwing tantrums. To handle these behaviors, I’ve adopted a method I call “time-ins,” which focuses on connection rather than isolation or shame. Patience is a virtue that Leo has taught me, although there are moments when it feels like a test.
I want to be clear: I do not believe in hitting or restraining children. I think it’s crucial to foster a safe environment, which means respecting boundaries—my son should never feel forced to hug me or anyone else. However, there are times when I must raise my voice, and I find this deeply uncomfortable.
When I feel my patience wearing thin, it usually stems from safety concerns or repeated infractions. For instance, Leo knows he must stay in the yard and away from the road. If he wanders too close to the pavement, I gently guide him back and remind him of the rules. But when this happens multiple times, my voice sometimes rises, and though I wish a calm tone would suffice, it often doesn’t.
What truly shook me was the day Leo hit me on the arm and shouted “No!” as I tried to guide him away from danger. I recognize that young children often express their frustration physically, but this moment felt overwhelming. I had to grasp his hand to prevent further hitting while firmly stating, “We do not hit ever.” In that moment, my body reacted as if I were faced with an actual threat, my throat constricting, my heart racing, and my hands trembling.
Even when I lowered my voice to explain that hitting hurts, it felt like pleading for understanding. It’s challenging to navigate these moments when my past experiences with abuse resurface, triggering a visceral response. Trauma can leave deep emotional scars, and sometimes our bodies remember feelings of danger even when the actual threat is gone.
Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk, a leading trauma psychiatrist, discusses this phenomenon in his book, “The Body Keeps the Score.” He highlights how trauma can lead to heightened anxiety and emotional responses to perceived threats. Learning about this has been empowering for me; it’s a reminder that I can work to change these reactions. Just as we can improve our physical health, we can also recondition our emotional responses to trauma.
In moments of discipline, I remind myself that I am not in a position of vulnerability as I was in the past. I am guiding Leo, not begging him to stop hurting me. He is still a child exploring boundaries, not an adult testing them repeatedly. I practice grounding techniques, focusing on my senses and breathing exercises to maintain my calm.
Healing is a gradual process, and I often seek out blogs and articles to connect with others facing similar challenges. For example, in a post titled “Parenting with Trauma,” a writer reflects on how her child’s outbursts trigger memories of past abusive relationships. She eloquently expresses the fear of feeling vulnerable while trying to nurture her daughter.
Another writer, in a candid piece titled “Anxious All Over,” shares her struggles with not projecting her past experiences onto her children. She emphasizes the importance of fighting the urge to replicate cycles of abuse, which resonates deeply with my journey.
I believe that understanding potential triggers goes beyond avoiding certain situations. As a parent, I want to create an environment where my son feels safe and respected, avoiding a dynamic where might equals right. The last thing I want is for Leo to witness my anxiety manifest in moments of discipline.
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Summary:
Navigating discipline with a preschooler can be challenging, especially for parents who have experienced trauma. By employing grounding techniques and maintaining a focus on nurturing rather than reacting, we can create a safe environment for our children. Understanding our triggers can empower us to break the cycle of fear and foster healthier relationships.