We’re navigating a particularly challenging stage in our household. My eldest child is now at an age where they’re expected to act like a big kid, while the younger siblings are still enjoying the benefits of being “too little” to take on real responsibilities. I assure you, this is a genuine phase. Let’s call it what it is – a real thing.
The other night, as I was tidying up after our dessert of strawberries sprinkled with “magic dust” (which, admittedly, sounds like something dubious sprinkled onto a fruit), I instructed my sons to clean up the pillow fortress they had constructed between their beds.
“Could you start cleaning up, please?”
This scenario is nothing new. When you create a chaotic pillow pile, you are responsible for cleaning it. However, on that specific night—perhaps due to the post-weekend fatigue or the excitement from a spirited indoor football match with their dad—the boys were not cooperating.
“We don’t want to!”
“Will you help us?”
“We’re going to use it again tomorrow!”
As my inner voice screamed, “I don’t care!” and “No way!” I took a moment to reflect. I realized that I had made a significant parenting mistake. I had used two words my partner and I had long since eliminated from our vocabulary: “Can you…”
In that moment, I had mistakenly posed a non-negotiable task as a question, and they responded in a way that was not what I expected. Generally, when we ask our kids to help with a task, it goes more like this:
“Honey, I need you to help clear the table, please.”
“But I need to finish my Lego fortress!”
“Great! Let’s clear the table first. Do you want to take the plates or the cups?”
After a long pause, a reluctant sigh, and a glance at their shoes, they will typically choose.
“Cups.”
“Fantastic! Let’s do this together, then you can get back to your fortress!”
If this exchange feels like a specialized educational strategy, you’re spot on. We employ this technique because it empowers our children while still providing them with a sense of structure. By offering choices like “You can…” instead of asking “Can you…”, we create an environment where they feel they still have autonomy, while also fulfilling their responsibilities.
This approach has led to fewer tantrums and more cooperation. Our children understand that the options we present are in their best interest, which fosters trust in our guidance for future decisions, especially during those tricky teenage years when discussing safe choices at social gatherings.
While I may not have scientific evidence to back this theory, I believe that teaching our children to make safe choices early on will equip them for success in adulthood. It’s essential that this process occurs in a nurturing environment filled with love and encouragement—something that goes without saying.
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In conclusion, steering clear of certain phrases can significantly impact how our children respond to requests, fostering a more positive dynamic in our households.