Like many transracial adoptive families, my child and I tend to attract more attention when we venture out than the typical mother-child pair. I like to think it’s because she’s irresistibly cute (which she is), or maybe because I have some hidden supermodel potential (though my awkwardness in photographs begs to differ).
Most of the attention we receive is positive. My daughter is generally a cheerful baby, often quiet or giggling. I know I might be tempting fate by saying this, but she rarely has meltdowns in public, provided she’s well-fed and well-rested. For a one-year-old, that’s quite unusual, and I’m prepared for the day when I might find myself carrying her out of a store like a wailing sack of potatoes.
I appreciate the compliments. Who wouldn’t want to hear their child is amazing? However, there are certain comments and inquiries that I could do without. My daughter is black, while I am what I call “aggressively Caucasian” with pale skin and blue eyes. My husband is even fairer and practically glows in the sunlight.
It’s clear to anyone that this child didn’t come from my body. Yes, she was adopted at birth, and yes, raising a child of a different race brings unique challenges, especially as a black child in America. We are aware of this. We’ve read books, taken online courses, and talked to friends who have experience with transracial adoption. We put considerable thought into the racial preferences we indicated to our adoption agency.
I understand curiosity comes from a place of genuine interest for some. Those who are sincerely looking to learn about adoption tend to ask polite, straightforward questions—like the agency we used or what a home study entails—before offering a simple compliment and moving along. I appreciate these interactions, and no matter how frazzled I may feel, I strive to respond graciously.
The issue arises with a different category of individuals. Often, it’s impossible to distinguish between the genuinely curious and those with an agenda until it’s too late. These are the people who pry into the age of her birth mother and make unfortunate assumptions about her. They feign curiosity, but what they truly seek is a narrative that confirms their biases against women or people of color. I refuse to engage with this. I am not here to serve as a one-woman educational resource for adoption or racial tolerance. I owe you nothing—no explanation, no insights into my life, or my daughter’s story.
Some adoptive parents feel a sense of responsibility to act as ambassadors for adoption, answering all questions and promoting the virtues of adoption, which I respect. However, for me, adoption was simply the way we chose to create our family. Families make various decisions every day—like spacing their children or pursuing fertility treatments. The difference is that those choices aren’t always visible. Would you approach a woman with several kids close in age and ask why she chose to have them so closely spaced? Likely not. So why is it acceptable to bombard adoptive families with intrusive questions?
What I desire is simple: the ability to shop for groceries without unsolicited inquiries, to enjoy a day at the park with my child, and to engage in everyday activities like any other family. We are just a normal family.
For more on this topic, check out this post about home insemination, which discusses various family-building options. You can also learn more about effective methods for home insemination at Make a Mom, an authority on this subject. Additionally, the Genetics and IVF Institute provides excellent resources for understanding adoption and pregnancy.
In summary, the experience of raising a transracial family comes with its own set of challenges, but it doesn’t warrant invasive questioning from strangers. We deserve the same respect and privacy as any other family, and curiosity should never cross the line into disrespect.