Scene
After tucking my kids in for the night, I head to the bedroom with my laptop to catch up on some work. My partner is there too, just starting to fold a load of laundry. Yes, he recognized it needed doing and took the initiative without me having to ask. I don’t want to seem inconsiderate, so I join him in the task.
He folds one more item, then grabs the remote to scroll through Netflix. He can’t make up his mind. As he flips through options endlessly, I manage to fold most of the laundry myself. Finally, he gives up on picking a show and goes back to folding. Once he finishes his small pile, he wanders off — to take a shower. There are still clothes in the basket waiting to be folded, but he feels the task is mostly “handled.” Yet, the piles of neatly folded clothes on our bed need to be moved to the kids’ baskets, and bits of lint and unmatched socks litter the floor.
My partner either doesn’t see these additional details, OR he assumes I’ll take care of them. My face grows warm with frustration. I want to be upset. I am upset — but should I be? Isn’t this just being petty? Shouldn’t I just appreciate his effort?
But wait a moment. Why do I feel guilty for being frustrated instead of recognizing that he should be doing his fair share? True, it’s just one load of laundry, but it’s not a small issue at all.
The Dilemma of Keeping Score
I once read that keeping score in a relationship is detrimental — that it’s ungrateful and petty. The idea is that as loving partners, we should appreciate whatever effort is made, because at least he’s trying. And we’re supposed to ensure intimacy too, because men need that for happiness.
I’d bet my retirement savings that the advice against keeping score likely came from someone who wasn’t pulling their weight, hoping to avoid accountability. This notion has been perpetuated by society and even some psychologists, promoting the idea that noticing disparities in workload is simply “petty.”
To be clear, my partner isn’t lazy; he genuinely wants to contribute. He’s a great guy, one of the best partners I could ask for, and I truly appreciate the work he does around the house. He has come a long way, especially considering he grew up in a household where chores were mostly done by staff. But sometimes, his “help” feels more like channel surfing while I tackle the bulk of the work.
Confronting the Issue
Ultimately, my irritation isn’t just about him; it’s about my hesitation to confront him about the unequal distribution of tasks. After several hours of stewing in frustration, I realized I should have done what he did — walked away when I felt I’d contributed enough. I was delaying my own work to assist him with a task he could easily manage alone. If he were busy working on his laptop, I wouldn’t expect him to help with laundry; that would be absurd.
Because, in general, men often overlook these nuances. (I know, I know, I said “in general.” If you or your partner fall into the minority that has evolved beyond this, I’m not referring to you. Please don’t email me with complaints about my perspective.)
Micro-Laziness
What we’re dealing with here is what I’m calling micro-laziness. It’s a subtler form of the overt laziness of previous generations and perhaps even more frustrating because it’s harder to address. We’re told to be grateful for the minimal effort put in, as if simply showing up is enough.
For instance, when men do the dishes but leave dirty pots for another day, we’re told to be thankful for the effort. Or when they let the kids run wild while mom is out for a few hours, we should commend them for managing on their own.
This is societal gaslighting: we’re led to believe that today’s men are doing so much more than those from the past, therefore we should just be thankful. If we can’t see it, we’re labeled as nagging or unreasonable.
Voicing Expectations
However, it’s crucial to voice our expectations for a more equitable division of labor. Complaining won’t ruin your relationship if you’re simply seeking to share the workload more fairly. Your partner is capable of handling it, and doing so will create a healthier, happier partnership.
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Conclusion
In summary, it’s essential to recognize that expecting your partner to share household responsibilities is not frivolous. Clear communication about these expectations will lead to a more balanced and fulfilling partnership.