“Say you’re sorry, sweetie!”
This phrase rings familiar to many of us, as we’ve all uttered it countless times, myself included. I’ve found myself saying it in public just to ensure that my toddler’s misbehavior doesn’t go unaddressed, hoping others see me as a responsible parent. Whether it was after my three-year-old knocked down a fellow child with a toy or erupted in giggles after an unexpected gas attack, I’ve wished for compliance with my request. Yet deep down, I knew they weren’t truly remorseful.
Not even a little.
Toddlers are in a constant state of chaos, and frankly, they have plenty of reasons to apologize. They’ll swing nearby toys at other children simply for being in their vicinity. They might decide to strip down during story time just to enjoy the breeze on their bare skin. They’ll snatch toys from others and chuckle at the tears that follow. They might even flush their shoes down the toilet or dash away from you in a store, finding it hilarious.
Occasionally, a toddler may mimic the word “sorry,” but it rarely comes from a place of sincerity. They’re merely trying to avoid repercussions or the dreaded return home for nap time. The truth is, they act on impulse without a second thought. They’d happily repeat their antics if they thought you weren’t watching.
Toddlers are relentless and care little about the feelings of others. They might feign concern, patting a friend they just knocked over if someone praises them for it. But don’t be fooled—they’re not actually remorseful.
They are simply small beings navigating life with their own desires at the forefront. It’s their world, and everyone else is just in the way of their fun—whether that’s spreading peanut butter on the couch or living out their dream of going pants-free. They believe every toy is theirs for the taking the moment they see it, and they’ll run through parking lots, relishing their newfound speed.
Understanding the concept of genuine apology is beyond their grasp at this age. They don’t associate the word “sorry” with regret or guilt. In fact, they probably only grasp the idea of regret when they get caught doing something wrong. At this stage, toddlers should sport T-shirts that say, “No Regrets,” because that’s the essence of their existence—one tantrum at a time.
Having navigated the toddler years with two little ones, I’ve recognized that the best approach when they make poor choices is to apologize on their behalf and move forward. “I’m sorry that happened! It’s not nice to hit our friends. I hope you’re okay!” I genuinely feel bad when my child hurts another or ruins a moment.
I focus on modeling empathy, hoping they will eventually grasp that pulling someone’s hair isn’t acceptable behavior. I’m convinced this method is far more effective than forcing them to utter words they don’t understand, which only escalates the discomfort for everyone involved, including the child on the receiving end.
To fellow parents, I often say, “I apologize, he’s just being a bit of a rascal right now. We’re working on it.” More often than not, I receive nods of understanding in return.
I assure you, they do grow into compassionate individuals who care about others.
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Summary
Forcing toddlers to apologize is often futile because they lack the understanding of genuine remorse. Instead of pushing them to say words they don’t grasp, it can be more effective to model empathetic behavior and address situations with sincere apologies on their behalf. Ultimately, toddlers are learning and will develop the capacity for empathy in time.