As a single mother, I recently faced a challenging moment when I had to step back from caring for my adult son during a difficult time. Did I feel guilty? Absolutely. But was I comfortable with my decision? Definitely.
Reflecting on my emotions, I realized that my guilt stemmed not from my son, Lucas, but from my own preconceived notions about what motherhood should look like. Lucas is recovering from a dance accident where he broke his ankle, requiring surgery with metal plates and screws. The surgery was delayed for days, leaving him in unbearable pain.
Despite this, Lucas maintained his optimism and humor, sharing amusing updates on social media with me as his co-star. We both firmly believe in the saying, “Everything Happens for a Reason.”
When Lucas called the day after his accident, he asked if I wanted to spend the day together. I immediately rushed over, bringing his favorite snacks and comfort items. Once there, I dove into care mode, cooking, cleaning, and tending to his every need. I thought I was showing love through my actions—after all, isn’t that what motherhood is about?
However, midway through the day, Lucas gently reminded me, “You don’t need to clean.” This statement hit me hard. Reflecting on his childhood, I remembered that I had always equated acts of service with love, especially since I believed his love language was the same. Yet, a quiz we took during his senior year revealed that quality time was more meaningful to him.
When he asked me to hang out, he didn’t mean to have me wait on him. I realized much of my caregiving was unnecessary and rooted in generational expectations rather than what he truly needed.
After his surgery, Lucas expressed a desire to be released from the hospital the same day. I was concerned for his well-being, but he urged me to prioritize my own needs. “Put your oxygen mask on, Mom,” he said, reminding me of the importance of self-care. So, I went home, finally allowing myself to rest.
However, guilt still lingered. Growing up with a Catholic background, I sometimes grappled with feelings of selfishness when I focused on my own needs over my family’s. This guilt was frustrating, especially when I knew Lucas was fine and that I was managing my own life well.
I’m done with the narratives that label self-care as selfish. If we neglect our own needs, we can’t fully support others. It’s crucial to break free from the damaging patterns that suggest motherhood is synonymous with martyrdom. This exhausting mindset can lead to unhappiness not only for mothers but for everyone around them.
Moreover, it’s essential to acknowledge that asking for help is not a weakness. It truly takes a village to raise a child, and without a support system, it becomes challenging to thrive. One of our favorite sayings is, “If you don’t ask, the answer is always no,” emphasizing the importance of reaching out for assistance.
Ultimately, let’s move past the guilt and judgment about how much we do or don’t do. Each of us is doing the best we can, and that should always be enough.
As for me and Lucas? We’re doing well. Let’s embrace the journey together.
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Summary:
This article highlights the complexities of motherhood beyond traditional notions of servitude. It emphasizes the importance of self-care and breaking free from guilt and societal expectations. The author shares personal experiences of navigating her relationship with her son, Lucas, while advocating for the necessity of asking for help and focusing on one’s own needs to foster healthier family dynamics.