By: Emily Johnson
I vividly remember my first day back at work after the birth of my first daughter. It was six weeks and four days after her arrival. My husband, Mark, offered to take her to the sitter’s house because I wasn’t sure I could handle it. After spending what felt like an eternity kissing and caressing her little face in the car, I finally shut the door. Mark glanced back at me through the driver’s side window and asked, “Are you alright?”
I nodded, and he drove off. I stood there, much like a character from a movie, wishing I could scream for them to return. My arms ached to hold my baby again, and my feet longed to chase after the car. But instead, I remained still, my shoulders shaking as tears streamed down my face. I promised myself then that I would never be away from my baby unless absolutely necessary.
Nearly 12 years have passed since that day, but the emotions remain fresh. Mark and I have managed to find pockets of time for ourselves, indulging in a few overnight getaways. These moments feel surreal, marked by an eerie silence. We enjoy dinners at restaurants that don’t provide paper tablecloths and crayons, or head to the gym together. In those moments, we reconnect, holding hands and reminiscing about our early days as a couple. When it’s time to pick up the girls, we feel rejuvenated.
A few years back, I signed up for a writing conference. My daughters were distraught, clinging to my legs with tear-filled eyes despite our discussions in the days leading up to my trip. I hesitated, biting my lip as I watched their sad expressions. After what felt like an eternity, Mark encouraged me to leave. The 45-minute drive to the train station was filled with internal turmoil, and the four-hour train ride to New York was a battle against tears. It felt strange to be away from them; I wanted to wear a shirt that read “I have three kids!” but I worried that anyone who saw me having fun without them would think I was a terrible mother.
Their absence felt like missing limbs. Even as I walked through the hotel, I half-expected to see their reflections beside me. I survived that trip to the writing conference but took a full year before I ventured out again.
Recently, after spending a week together in Washington during spring break, I flew to another conference in California while Mark took the girls back to New York. They knew I had been nominated for an award, and they were excited to be part of the experience. They even helped me pick out an outfit for the ceremony, and my eldest daughter lent me a silver purse, saying, “So you’ll think of me and have me with you.”
This trip felt different. I was genuinely looking forward to reconnecting with friends and enjoying the excitement of the event. I took my time applying the complimentary hotel lotion and woke up early for a run without worrying about waking anyone. I missed my kids, but for the first time in a long while, I felt the joy of being alone.
After years of parenting, I’ve come to realize how essential this time away is. I need moments to exist beyond my role as a mother. I often talk about being a positive role model for my daughters. If I don’t take time for myself or show them that life extends beyond work, school, and home, how can I truly inspire them?
Do I still feel that tug to be at home? Absolutely. But am I thankful I seized the chance to spend two nights in California, soaking up insights from talented writers? Without a doubt.
Will I ever be able to travel without that familiar pang of guilt, wondering if I’m being selfish? Probably not. I believe the bond between a mother and her children is profound, whether it’s felt in our hearts or our arms. The anticipation and love we have for them mean that once we hold them, a part of us never wants to let go.
Yet, we must learn to let go. These small trips are practice for the day when my children will embark on their journeys, leaving me behind. Each adventure we take is a reminder of our love, the hugs we cherish, and the stories we share about our experiences.
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Summary
The journey of parenting often involves learning to let go. As mothers, we face the challenge of balancing our roles with the need for personal time. Through experiences of separation, we discover the importance of nurturing our individuality while still cherishing our connections with our children. Each small adventure serves as preparation for the day when our children will leave to embark on their own journeys, reinforcing the love we share.