Recently, while staying with my parents, I realized my father had taken over my sister’s former bedroom. Given our family’s penchant for privacy and strong boundaries, I couldn’t help but exclaim, “Oh my gosh, Mom—Dad is finally leaving you after 51 years! Who is she?!”
In her usual deadpan manner, my mother replied, “I kicked him out of our room. Your father has decided he prefers ‘Thunderstorm’ now.”
I didn’t need any further explanation. “Thunderstorm” isn’t the name of a new dancer at Scores; it’s a sound setting. Our family has developed an addiction to sleep sound machines. Back in the ‘70s, we relied on noisy air conditioning units to lull us to sleep, and now we have an arsenal of Hammacher Schlemmer, Brookstone, and HoMedics devices. Every bedroom is equipped. While the brands may differ, we are firmly committed to “white noise.” That’s the standard. No exceptions. Even our little ones were sleep-trained with the soothing hum of an air purifier.
Now, my father is past the age for a mid-life crisis, so his sudden preference for “Thunderstorm” struck me as a betrayal of our white noise values.
“Thunderstorm!” my mother reiterated. “Can you believe it? Boom! Boom! Boom!”
Sorry Eddie Rabbit, but it seems Mom is not a fan of a rainy night.
While I suspected their marriage would endure, I couldn’t help but wonder if we were being too harsh on Dad. Were we too judgmental or rigid in our preferences? Is white noise always the best option? Could it be that our beloved sleep sound settings were, in fact, a little biased?
For the sake of exploration, I decided to experiment with other, non-white noise options on my sleep machine for a few nights. Here’s what I discovered:
THUNDERSTORM
Naturally, I had to start with this one—yes, it was loud. Way too loud! If I had a strobe light, my room could have felt like the set of a disaster movie. Sorry, Dad, but this is not for me.
TRAIN
This setting exists, and I was worried it would just loop the “Drops of Jupiter” song. Instead, it’s actual train sounds. Who enjoys this? I spent the night imagining myself on a train with a bunch of dubious characters trying to grab my backpack. I slept with one eye open, clutching a harmonica.
OCEAN WAVES
Initially calming, but soon I found myself craving shrimp and googling the hours for the nearest Red Lobster. Did I just hear a seagull? They’ll fight you for a Cheddar Bay biscuit, and honestly, who could blame them?
STREAM
Do people who like this setting sleep with rubber sheets? I found myself getting up four times to visit the bathroom.
CITY
Much like the “Train” setting, this one is perplexing. After battling Houston traffic all day, it’s super relaxing to experience a traffic jam in your own bedroom.
SUMMER NIGHT
Two thoughts sprung to mind: swarms of giant locusts or John Travolta in a leather jacket. Not sure which is scarier.
HEARTBEAT
I’ve read too much Edgar Allan Poe, and this setting is anything but restful.
JUNGLE RHYTHM
Very tranquil until you hear the occasional howler monkey and get the feeling a panther is about to pounce.
RAINFOREST
Similar to “Jungle,” but now I’m sweating and thinking about giant spiders. Plus, the Rainforest Cafe charges $9 for five chicken nuggets.
FIREPLACE
Can’t you just feel the plush shag rug and the sultry breath of Barry White? Don’t fight it, baby… oh, it’s so hot. And when’s the last time you checked the smoke alarm batteries? Goodnight!
ZEN GARDEN
This one made me expect a masseuse to walk in any moment. I experienced some involuntary tension because, you know, farting during a massage is a nightmare.
After all my trials, I concluded that I’m definitely a white noise person, and I’m okay with that. I’ll try not to judge my dad or anyone else for their unusual sleep habits. As for my parents, I hope they can weather the “Thunderstorm” and discover some harmonious sound choices together.
Thank you and sweet dreams!