Let’s face it, folks: I have an intense love affair with food. My culinary preferences are not exactly gourmet. I’m the one who shows up at the county fair just to indulge in a Krispy Kreme chicken sandwich on a stick. My snack choices lean toward gas station delights that most people only touch during road trips: Slim Jims, Flamin’ Hot Funyuns, and those oddly squishy orange circus peanuts. It’s a bit mortifying. What’s even more cringe-worthy is the list of diets I’ve attempted to shed the weight I’ve gained from eating like a kid in a candy store.
After numerous failed attempts, I’ve come to terms with the reality that diets and I are simply not meant to be. I’ve opted for a philosophy of “avoiding junk food and staying active,” while shifting my focus from temporary goals like squeezing into a bikini to long-lasting ones, such as maintaining my health to avoid needing a scooter when I’m 65.
However, before I completely abandon the concept of restrictive eating, I want to pay tribute to the fad diets I’ve dabbled in and the delectable foods that led to their downfall.
1. Slim Fast
My first foray into dieting came after I met my husband in college. I felt like he was out of my league, and my first step toward fitness was the Slim Fast diet. Breakfast was a shake, lunch was another shake, and dinner was a so-called “sensible” meal, which I misinterpreted as a Whopper Jr. instead of the full-sized version. My roommate joined the journey, which turned out to be a mistake since Slim Fast is notorious for causing serious gas. We transformed our shared space into a giant Dutch oven, and while I lost some weight initially, the shakes tasted like disappointment. The diet met its demise one fateful afternoon when the irresistible aroma of fresh pizza wafted through the air. Our early “sensible dinner” of pizza was followed by another Slim Fast shake that tasted like cappuccino-flavored sadness. That night, my diet officially kicked the bucket at a Panda Express.
2. Atkins
In the late ’90s, the Atkins diet was all the rage, largely thanks to my boss, who was thrilled to fit into her old jeans again. Intrigued by her success, I decided to give it a shot, hoping to combat the weight I’d gained from my vending machine habit. The appeal of bacon, steak, and eggs had me hooked. For a month, I toggled between Atkins and carb-filled treats until a visit to the hospital for my husband’s knee surgery derailed my efforts. The temptation of a McDonald’s bucket of fries lured me in, and suddenly, my commitment to Atkins was forgotten as I indulged in the crispy goodness. #RIPAtkins.
3. Nutrisystem
After the birth of my first child, my eating habits took a nosedive. I was too busy juggling a colicky baby and lunges around the living room to prepare proper meals. When I discovered Nutrisystem, with its pre-packaged meals and snacks, I thought I had struck gold. It fit my hectic lifestyle, but once my daughter was no longer colicky and I could cook with both hands, the allure of a fresh, grilled burger overshadowed Nutrisystem’s tiny, pre-packaged options. You can guess what happened next.
4. Dukan Diet
At 34, I was still carrying around post-baby weight from my second child, which led me to explore the Dukan Diet after seeing a friend’s success story on social media. It promised to reset my metabolism, and to my surprise, it worked! I lost 20 pounds, while my husband lost a staggering 40 pounds. Just when I thought I had finally found a lasting solution, we went on vacation back to San Diego. The first bite of carne asada fries smothered in sour cream and spicy salsa was the fatal blow; the all-you-can-eat Korean BBQ we indulged in with family sealed the deal for my Dukan Diet.
I’m fully aware that maintaining a healthy lifestyle is no walk in the park. Birthday parties, holidays, and the allure of pizza joints will always tempt me. But let’s be honest, those indulgences are far more appealing than a sad shake from a can.
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Summary
In conclusion, I’ve come to realize that diets, especially those that promise quick fixes, often fall short in the face of delicious food. My attempts at Slim Fast, Atkins, Nutrisystem, and the Dukan Diet have all taught me valuable lessons about balance and moderation. While the struggle for a healthy lifestyle continues, my commitment to enjoying food remains strong.