In honor of my dear friends, Sarah and Mike. Sarah, who has graciously provided me space to share my reflections, inspired the title of this post. Mike was my grandfather—an individual whose tendencies toward obsession often left me wondering if my own children would someday view me the same way.
Let me share a classic example of Mike’s thought process. During my third year of medical school in New York City, I was jolted awake at 4 a.m. by a phone call from Mike. He had been listening to the radio and heard about a ferry accident, prompting him to check if I was okay. Yes, it was 4 a.m., and yes, he was worried about me being one of the missing passengers.
As I welcomed my own children into the world, I began to understand Mike’s perspective. Parenting can certainly be anxiety-inducing! The world is full of potential dangers, and it’s a daunting reality for both parents and children alike. Now that my kids are older and carving out their paths, I thought it might be entertaining to reflect on some of the “rules” I implemented during their upbringing.
Here’s a light-hearted look at what my children and their friends fondly refer to as “Rotbart’s Parenting Guidelines”:
1. The 5-Chip Rule
This one might seem excessive in hindsight, but I believed in moderation. At Mexican restaurants or during taco nights at home, the kids were limited to five tortilla chips before the main meal. Too often, I witnessed them filling up on chips and leaving their burritos untouched. Perhaps I should’ve raised the limit to ten!
2. The 4-Minute Hot Tub Rule
I learned that prolonged heat exposure can impact male fertility. So while other parents let their boys lounge in the hot tub for ages, mine had to surface every four minutes for a cooldown. I enforced the same rule for my daughter too—just to keep it fair!
3. The “No Laptop on Your Lap” Rule
Similar to the hot tub guideline, I was concerned about potential risks from heat emitted by laptops. While some may find this rule extreme, I read about issues linked to prolonged laptop use on laps, so I insisted on a safer setup.
4. The 3-Foot Monitor Rule
In the age of screens, I took the old “don’t sit too close to the TV” advice to heart. I ensured our kids’ computer monitors were positioned three feet away to protect their eyes from strain, even if that meant they squinted a bit.
5. The Cell Phone Headset Rule
After reading alarming accounts about cell phones and brain cancer, I became convinced that headsets were a must. My kids even joked about my frequent warnings, but I felt it was a necessary precaution.
6. The Wired Over Wireless Rule
While everyone else embraced wireless technology, we opted for hardwired connections. I was concerned about the radiation from wireless signals, believing that wired devices would keep us safer.
7. The Volvo Rule
Safety first! Our kids drive older Volvos—while they may not be glamorous, I swore by their safety ratings.
8. The 8-Hour Sleep Rule
Sleep deprivation can impair driving just like alcohol. So, if my kids didn’t clock in eight hours of sleep, they couldn’t drive. Not the most popular rule, but I stood firm!
9. The 40-Minute Drive Rule
Even if school was just a 15-minute drive away, leaving the house 40 minutes early was non-negotiable. This helped us avoid any last-minute speed-related accidents.
10. The Family Dinner Rule
Family dinners were a must—no ifs, ands, or buts! This often meant coordinating with friends’ schedules, which led to some interesting social dynamics.
11. The Weed Killer Rule
My wife often shakes her head at this, but I firmly believe in avoiding chemicals. We prefer hand-pulling weeds, as I care about the potential impact on children’s health.
12. The 2½-Hour Airport Rule
Long before security lines became the norm, we arrived at the airport two hours early. Now, we aim for two and a half hours, which has saved us more than once.
The laughter these rules sparked in our home is priceless. While my kids sometimes rolled their eyes, they also recognized the value in many of these guidelines. Occasionally, their friends would even ask, “What would Harley do?” when they faced tough decisions!
As I look forward to seeing my children raise their own families, I wonder which of these rules might carry on. And, of course, I’ll always be available for a late-night call if they ever encounter trouble on the Staten Island Ferry.
For more insights into family dynamics and parenting, check out our other blog posts, like this one.
In conclusion, parenting is an adventure filled with love, laughter, and plenty of rules—some of which may seem quirky, but all stem from a place of care and concern.