Updated: Aug. 21, 2015
Originally Published: Oct. 9, 2009
It’s about 3:30 AM, and sleep is eluding me. I might have dozed off for a bit while standing beside my little one’s crib, my 6-month-old holding my finger with an iron grip. I didn’t want to break free because finally, he was peacefully slumbering.
My mother often joked that I’d get my comeuppance for how I made her feel as a child. She had it easy with my firstborn, who was a champion sleeper. But now, with my second child, it seems that payback has arrived. The stillness of the night invites a flood of self-reflection, amplified by my exhaustion.
As a child, I battled crippling anxiety, which began with bedwetting. I dreaded sleep, terrified of waking up soaked again. The walk to my parents’ room was a daunting journey, where I could almost see them debating who would rise to help me. Just when I thought I had my fears under control, my parents separated, introducing a whole new set of emotional challenges.
I was shy and sensitive, traits that lingered into my early adulthood. It felt like my true self was stifled. Then, I became a parent, and my insecurities collided with the overwhelming fear of messing up. I often remind myself that, despite everything, I wouldn’t change a thing about my journey. But it does make me ponder the struggles my boys will face as they grow up.
I wish I could say they will grow into strong, self-assured men without flaws, but life rarely works that way. Every impressive person I’ve met has their own trials they’ve navigated to become who they are today. Reflecting on this initially frightens me for my boys. In the next room, one of them is trying out underwear for the first time instead of pull-ups. Yet, as a child, I never recognized my struggles. I was just living my life, facing challenges as they came.
One day, my children will tackle their own obstacles, just as I’m doing now. They might not even realize it yet. Growth is a continuous process, and we often approach things differently the next time around. If we plant a garden, we may choose to space the seeds further apart on the second try, but there’s always room for growth. So, I’m capturing these thoughts in writing, ensuring they have a permanent place in this world.
To my boys, I won’t apologize for my mistakes. I’ll only regret it if you one day fail to see that those little blunders might just be what leads you to your own version of perfection. As Lauren King once said, “There are two kinds of perfect: the one you can never achieve, and the other, by just being yourself.”
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In summary, parenting is filled with challenges, and while we may not achieve perfection, embracing our genuine selves is what truly matters. Our missteps can shape our children in ways we cannot foresee, and that’s the beauty of growth.