Updated: November 12, 2020
Originally Published: July 5, 2010
“Mom, I heard something so true today,” my daughter Lily said, sitting at the bottom of the stairs, lacing up her sneakers before rushing off to her babysitting gig. “When you’re wise enough to admit that your parents were right, you have kids who think you’re wrong.”
I paused, replaying her words in my mind, her bright smile urging me to grasp their significance.
“Okay, so if I tell you that I’m not at the point where I think my parents were right, does that mean you don’t think I’m wrong?”
She chuckled, her chestnut eyes sparkling, perhaps surprised by my response. Yet, I felt a twinge of unease when she confirmed what I’ve slowly been realizing over the past few months: my once-adoring child, who viewed me as the ultimate source of wisdom and strength, now considers my views outdated.
“Want to share your thoughts?” I asked, but she hesitated, choosing to keep her opinions to herself as she went about her day. I felt a gap widening between us.
At just 14, this blossoming young woman has already surpassed me in height, radiating confidence at a time when I feel myself dimming. Thus far, I’ve been fortunate to avoid the typical turbulence that often characterizes the mother-daughter dynamic during the teenage years: a few door slams, occasional eye rolls, and minimal accusations of “You never…” or “You always….” I had hoped that my gentle, understanding approach would help us dodge the usual strains of growing apart.
I’ve steered clear of many pitfalls, allowing her independence without forcing her into a version of myself. I respect her choices in clothing, hairstyles, and friendships. She usually returns this trust with good behavior, yet the connection between us is undeniably fragile.
I understand that something shifts between mothers and daughters during these formative years, an experience that feels uniquely feminine and unavoidable.
My 16-year-old son, Ethan, grew up accepting my imperfections, crowned himself the keeper of truth, and moved forward without much fuss. Lily, however, scrutinizes my clothes, my hair, my actions, and everything I say. She observes how I spend my time and analyzes my interactions with her father, offering her opinions on it all.
In contrast, I find myself more in awe of her every day. She is blossoming through the tangled roots of adolescence, hinting at the incredible woman she will become. I express this to her often, yet the admiration seems to flow in one direction.
I never expected to remain her idol indefinitely. I recognize the importance of her independence and am grateful that she is growing into her own person. Still, a part of me longs for recognition of the bond we once shared—a time when we crafted sugary cupcakes, made homemade greeting cards, and dove into the world of Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Taylor Swift.
Now, I’m the mom who struggles to keep up—guessing what “BRB” means (it’s “be right back,” if you didn’t know) and mixing up artists like Rihanna and Sia. I’m the mom who can’t stand the chaos of Dance Moms and doesn’t understand the obsession with Snapchat or the need for fifty different nail polish shades.
“I never thought this would happen to us,” I find myself wanting to say, like someone lost in a relationship that seems to be unraveling.
I hold onto hope that one day, she will return to me. She’ll realize she can be her own individual and still be my daughter. She’ll accept my flaws while recognizing that I can offer guidance and support when she needs it. I dream of a time when she sees me as a person and not just as a mother, just as I am starting to appreciate her as a young woman beyond her role as my daughter.
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Summary:
Mother-daughter relationships undergo significant changes during adolescence, often leading to a period of strained connections. As daughters assert their independence, mothers may feel a shift from admiration to critique. Despite the challenges, there’s hope for reconnection as both parties learn to appreciate each other as individuals beyond traditional roles.