At 3:30 a.m., a mother softly hums, adjusting the swaddling blanket around her baby. “Is this too tight?” she wonders, recalling that the parenting guide advises snug swaddling to soothe him. But instead, he kicks and wails, growing even angrier. She rocks him. He screams. She sways. He screams. He’s fed, changed, and burped, yet the cries persist. Maybe something is genuinely wrong. In a moment of desperation, she unwraps him, straps him into his car seat, and drives toward Urgent Care. Halfway there, the crying stops. Is he breathing? Yes, he’s asleep. Relieved, she turns back, parks, and leans her seat back, wiping away a tear of exhaustion as sleep takes over.
At 8:30 a.m., a mother faces her toddler, who is adamant about not getting dressed. “NO! I no wanna get dressed!” she protests. “But it’s time to get ready to go, sweetie.” The toddler collapses into a puddle on the floor. The guide suggests using collaborative language. “Let’s get dressed together. I’ll help you.” She attempts to guide her daughter’s hand, but the stubbornness only deepens. “Do you want to wear the green shirt or the pink one?” “NO!” “Sweetheart, ‘no’ isn’t an option. What do you want to wear?” “NO! NO! NO!” Just then, the baby starts crying from another room. In a swift motion, the mother removes the pajama top and wrestles the pink shirt over her daughter’s head. “NO! I no want this shirt!” “Well, you should have chosen. Do you want to pick your pants?” “NO! I no want pants! NO NO NO!” Seriously? the mother thinks. Choices, my foot.
At 3:30 p.m., she picks up her son from kindergarten, who proudly holds up a painting. “Look at my picture, Mommy! Isn’t it cool?” The guide advises giving non-judgmental feedback. “Oh, it’s so colorful!” she replies. “Yeah! It’s a dragon! Do you like it?” he asks eagerly. “It looks like you worked really hard on that!” she encourages, but his shoulders droop. “Yeah, but do you like it, Mommy? I made it for you.” Though the guide suggests avoiding praise to foster internal motivation, she can’t resist. “Sweetie, I love it. It’s the coolest dragon I’ve ever seen.” His face lights up, and he hugs her tight. Forget the guides.
Ah, those parenting guides.
At some point, every parent realizes that raising kids is far more intricate than anticipated, so we turn to the guides for support. We stack them on our nightstands, hoping to absorb their wisdom through osmosis. Every new book seems to hold the solution to all our parenting dilemmas.
But here lies the dilemma with these guides: much of the advice looks great on paper. It seems logical, offering straightforward methods for behavior management, discipline philosophies, and insights into children’s needs. Yet, parenting in real life is a different story. Kids aren’t always logical; they can be unpredictable little creatures. They are not simple—they are as varied and unique as each adult, with needs as diverse as fingerprints.
After 15 years and three children, I’ve learned that parenting is a deeply personal journey. Applying one guide’s philosophy verbatim to your family can lead to frustration. What works for one child may flop for another. A method that seems effective today might lose its magic tomorrow. A guide may resonate beautifully with another family but feel entirely wrong for yours. Many of these guides sound promising in theory but falter in practice.
Over the years, my feelings toward certain guides have fluctuated. I particularly enjoy those that illustrate parent-child interactions through comic strip scenarios, showcasing perfectly calm exchanges that rarely happen in real life. Kids don’t follow a script—at least mine certainly don’t!
Parenting as an Art
Parenting is more of an art than a science, more organic than systematic. While research and structured approaches can be beneficial, what works on paper doesn’t always translate to reality. Expect a lot of trial and error, as kids are ever-changing, and human complexity naturally leads to a complicated parenting experience.
After years of reflection, I’ve concluded that you must develop your own parenting philosophy rooted in your values, beliefs, personality, and vision for your family. It doesn’t have to be complicated, but it requires thought. Write it down to solidify your unique familial framework, which will serve you better in the long run than any generic approach.
Another crucial aspect is truly getting to know your children. Continuously learn about them—“Learn your learners,” as Pete Carroll puts it. Connect with your kids as unique individuals and adapt your methods to suit their personalities and temperaments, all while staying true to your overarching parenting philosophy.
There’s nothing wrong with utilizing guides—as long as they’re tailored to your situation. Just remember to stay attuned to the real-life parenting experience because that’s where the beautiful, challenging, and rewarding moments of raising children truly unfold.
In Summary
Parenting is a vast and intricate journey filled with unpredictability. Embrace your individuality, adapt your strategies, and focus on understanding your children as you navigate this chaotic yet rewarding experience.