Updated: Aug. 22, 2015
Originally Published: Sep. 30, 2010
“I’ll never abandon you,” I murmured to my son as I gently settled him back into his crib. “I don’t yet know how I’ll mend our lives, but I promise I’ll find a way.” This pledge had echoed in my heart every night since his birth, just as it had for his older sister, and for myself, for as long as I could remember.
Yet, this promise felt shattered within the confines of a marriage that suffocated me; I was ensnared by abuse, financial dependency, and an absence of support. The legal system seemed daunting and foreign, and all I could think of were my two children who relied on me. I felt trapped.
Many mornings, I stood before the mirror, staring at a reflection that felt alien; a face that had lost its spirit, drained of hope, and filled only with sorrow. “Who is that person looking back at me? Surely, that’s not me,” I would think as my eyes fell on the bruise encircling my eye. “I once had dreams, aspirations, plans for my life and for my children.”
But the reflection didn’t lie. It depicted the shell of who I had been, who I could have been. “Maybe I could just leave,” I would contemplate. “I could gather the kids and escape to a shelter; they would protect us.” A fleeting thought, quickly overshadowed by the harsh reality: “But what happens next?” I wondered. “What if my husband’s lawyer seeks custody of my children? I can’t afford legal representation, nor can I navigate a system that often disregards domestic abuse in custody disputes.”
My research revealed grim statistics: 70% of abused women lose custody of their children simply due to their inability to fight back in court (American Judges Council). I could never abandon my children; I was their mother, and my instinct was to shield them.
Even if I managed to leave with them, uncertainty loomed. The local shelter offered only six weeks of accommodation, and after that, what? I was still tethered to my husband’s income, which barred me from qualifying for daycare assistance, leaving me with no one to care for my children while I sought employment. Without a job, how could I provide for them? I wouldn’t qualify for food stamps or Medicaid while still married. How could I find a place to live while tied to a mortgage? Years of financial control had left me with no safety net.
What choices did I have? Abandon my children or take them with me and risk their well-being? With that weighing on me, I stayed.
I pushed aside thoughts of my own well-being, as many mothers do, and focused on doing my utmost to care for my children in the best way I knew. I sacrificed myself.
As I hovered over my son’s crib that night, gazing at one of the few blessings I had left in a life that felt like it was crumbling, I had no clue how I would rise from the ruins.
Eventually, I encountered a compassionate attorney who recognized my plight. He reminded me that my only path to a future was to break free from my past. “You need to escape this situation if you want any hope ahead,” he told me. I confessed my deepest truth: “I can’t afford to escape; I can’t afford a future.”
Despite my financial constraints, he fought valiantly for my children and me. He salvaged my family and restored our hope.
Thanks to him, I emerged from the ashes of my former life. I often reflect, “What makes me worthy? Why did I receive help when so many women and children remain trapped?” The answer is simple: nothing differentiates me from them, except perhaps the fortune of having someone recognize my potential beyond my financial struggles.
Every woman and child deserves a life free from the shadows of abuse. It’s time we uplift our sisters in need. Everyone is entitled to a future, and sometimes they require just a little support in their fight.
October marks Domestic Violence Awareness Month. With numerous shelters, programs, and resources available for women facing abuse, we must remember how much more is needed. Let’s take a moment to think of those women striving not only to be the mothers they long to be but also fighting for their very lives. We all deserve the opportunity for a brighter future.
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