Dear Mothers,
You may have a daughter who has always been slender. More commonly, though, she has likely navigated various body types throughout her life, much like many of us. Perhaps she was skinny at age 10, a little chubby at 13, faced the infamous “Freshman 15” at 19, then slimmed down for her wedding, experienced the changes of pregnancy, and fluctuated in size after each childbirth. Women’s bodies often go through a continuous cycle of transformation, and few escape this reality.
While boys may also experience shifts in their bodies, societal pressures tend to place a harsher focus on the female form. The public gaze often scrutinizes women more intensely, leading to a more complicated relationship with our bodies. Women are often judged not only for their weight but also for attributes society tends to criticize: curves, cellulite, and the natural ebb and flow of body size that can change from month to month.
You might think that experiencing these changes would foster a sense of unity among women, allowing us to be more understanding towards those who are overweight, underweight, or anything in between. Unfortunately, the opposite is often true. Women can be particularly critical of each other’s appearances from a young age, comparing and assigning value based on size and shape.
Once puberty hits, usually around age 9, the diversity in body shapes among girls becomes apparent. Some remain very thin into their teenage years, while others develop curvier figures. Height varies significantly too; some girls surpass their mothers by age 11, while others maintain a childlike appearance at 14. I see this in my own daughters: my 10-year-old, though not particularly large, appears more mature than some of her older classmates, and my seventh-grader has friends who have already outgrown me in height and weight. These variations are normal, yet our perceptions of girls during this period can be harmful.
If you’re the mother of a slender girl, do you feel a sense of pride, as if it reflects your parenting success? Do you worry about her maintaining that slenderness? Conversely, if your daughter is on the heavier side, are you concerned about her weight? Are you monitoring her eating habits closely or fretting over every little change? Many of us would admit to feeling this way, even if we don’t voice it.
These feelings are understandable, especially considering the struggles many women face regarding their self-image. It’s not uncommon for feelings of shame, anxiety, and depression to arise from our societal conditioning about body image. What saddens me is that these emotions can cloud our ability to genuinely appreciate and love our remarkable daughters for who they are.
You might argue that wanting your daughter to be at a “healthy weight” is out of care for her well-being, and while there’s some truth to that, it’s crucial to recognize how our emotions regarding weight can impact our relationship with her. When parents of slim girls boast or when those with heavier daughters feel embarrassed, it creates barriers to unconditional love.
So, let’s try to shift our focus away from weight when considering the things we love about our children. Can we place it lower on our list? More often than not, we project our insecurities and societal pressures onto our daughters, despite the fact that what they truly need is our acceptance for who they are. When your slender daughter gains that Freshman 15, do you truly want her self-worth to falter? When your heavier daughter feels anxious about wearing a swimsuit, do you want her to carry that burden?
Ultimately, the most important thing is that your daughter knows your love isn’t contingent on her weight. I believe you want her to understand this deeply.
With love,
A mom of two wonderful daughters, who are complex, humorous, sweet, and always beautiful in my eyes.
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Summary
This heartfelt letter to mothers encourages them to reevaluate their perceptions of their daughters’ body images, emphasizing that love should not be tied to weight. It highlights the societal pressures women face regarding body image and the importance of fostering a loving and accepting environment for their daughters, regardless of size or shape.