Ah, the delightful six-week post-baby checkup. You know what that means? Time to get back to having sex again! Uhhh, I mean, time to reconnect intimately with my wonderful partner. It’s not that I don’t enjoy it—let’s be real, I do—but right now, I’m completely wiped out from breastfeeding, dealing with hormones, and feeling all sorts of discomfort. Plus, there’s that delightful cocktail of exhaustion and the fact that my husband gets to skip the whole breastfeeding saga. Seriously, I could sleep through a rock concert, and you want me to sacrifice precious sleep for sex? And don’t even get me started on the potential consequences of sex—hello, pregnancy! Been there, done that. So, here’s how my six-week visit went down.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Our baby.
Doctor: (blank stare)
Me: No joke, he’s always in between us, totally cockblocking my husband.
Doctor: What about when the baby’s not around?
Me: (blank stare)
Doctor: Have you considered what you’d like to use once he sleeps in his own room?
Me: I don’t know, isn’t there some magic pill that makes me temporarily infertile?
Doctor: Yes, it’s called the pill.
Me: Nahhh, forget that. I can barely remember what day it is, let alone take a pill every single day. I need something that can just shut my system down for a while.
Doctor: Yes, it’s called the Kaput pill.
Me: Seriously?
Doctor: No, not really. How about a vasectomy?
I couldn’t help but think she was implying I shouldn’t have any more kids.
Me: I don’t know, that seems a bit permanent. My husband is totally done, but I’m still on the fence—98% sure we’re done, but there’s always that 2%. And yes, I’m 40, but hey, didn’t you hear about that woman who had a baby at 62? I’m not closing any doors just yet.
After some back-and-forth about my options, here’s my take on why a cockblocking baby is the best form of birth control for me compared to anything else out there:
- IUD: Suddenly, I’m surrounded by friends raving about IUDs. At first, it seemed appealing until I heard about those little strings. Wait, what? You have to check those? I’m picturing a permanent string hanging out like an unwanted reminder. It sounds like a recipe for disaster, and I’m definitely not flexible enough to deal with that.
- Condoms: Let’s talk about the cost. Seriously, condoms are pricey these days! Back in college, they were practically free (unless you went to some ultra-conservative college). Now, paying for condoms makes me feel like I’m buying sex, which is laughable because these days, you’d have to pay me to make it happen! Plus, there’s the awkward fumbling around trying to get the thing on, only to realize it’s upside down. Major mood killer. And tossing the used one in the trash? Just adds to the ambiance… not.
- Female Condom: Ever tried one? Me neither! It boasts a 95% effectiveness rate (which means if you have sex 20 times, you might just end up with a baby, according to my rough math). Plus, it’s safe for anal sex. But honestly, the sheer thought of telling someone I use a female condom? No thanks. We can call it Fem-Con for a cool factor, but then there’s the awkward follow-up. Hard pass.
- Diaphragm: Aren’t those relics from the ’50s? I can’t imagine carrying one around, then having it spill out of my purse at Target. “Oh, that? It’s not a retainer, it’s just my diaphragm.” Talk about awkward!
- Cervical Cap: I had to look this one up. According to Planned Parenthood, it’s a silicone cup shaped like a sailor’s hat. Um, no thanks! I’m not interested in anything that resembles a hat for the Navy in my vajayjay.
- The Sponge: Ugh, just typing that makes me cringe. Why is my birth control named after a cleaning product? It’s only 80% effective, which isn’t reassuring at all. Twenty out of 100 women might end up pregnant. It’s like Russian roulette, but instead of death, you get a noisy, demanding baby. No thanks!
In conclusion, I’ll stick with my current method of birth control: a delightful baby who keeps my husband at bay.
For more information on pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource: American Pregnancy. You can also explore other options at Make a Mom.