At 47 years old, I found myself contemplating a perplexing question: Am I pregnant or is this the onset of menopause? Just yesterday, I realized I hadn’t had my period in three months. Admittedly, I hadn’t taken a test yet; life had been hectic, and it hit me only when I received an offer to host a giveaway for a fantastic new brand of tampons. As I considered the potential amusement in a “tampon contest” for my blog, I did some quick mental calculations. Uh oh. Time had slipped away from me.
I spent the day reflecting on this revelation, pondering the possibilities that lay before me. Is this a new chapter or a closing one? Will I welcome another child, or is my childbearing journey coming to an end? Is my uterus preparing for growth or retreat?
A whirlwind of emotions swirled within me. My five-year-old son and six-year-old daughter were gleefully dancing to a catchy Disney tune, and I couldn’t help but feel a wave of nostalgia. “Look at them, those precious little ones. Surely, I could handle one more, right? They’re growing up so fast, and soon they won’t be dancing to these tunes anymore. Oh, to hold a sweet baby at my breast once again!” Score one for the possibility of pregnancy.
But then, not long after, my daughter erupted into a dramatic tantrum, declaring, “I’M GONNA COUNT TO THREE AND THEN I WON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE! ONE! TWO! THREE! OKAY! NOW YOU DID IT! I DON’T LOVE YOU ANYMORE! YOU’RE A TERRIBLE MOMMY!” Score one for the chance of menopause.
This inner tug-of-war continued throughout the day. Moments of joy led to thoughts of expanding my family, while trying moments reminded me of the challenges of motherhood. I hesitated to share my secret with my husband, worried he might faint or react unexpectedly. This secret became my own little treasure, a mix of excitement and dread that I could pull out whenever I needed a thrill or a scare.
The next morning, my two closest friends came over for coffee. I mentioned my situation casually, as if I were discussing a new dress or a life-changing financial decision. Their jaws dropped in surprise. Within minutes, we were on our way to CVS to grab a pregnancy test. They waited outside the bathroom, a mix of anticipation and concern palpable in the air. As I conducted the test, a thought crossed my mind: “Please let it be positive, God.”
It wasn’t. A wave of relief washed over me. After all, I had given birth at 40 and 42; the thought of bringing another child into the world at 47 felt daunting. Financially, we were already stretched thin, and I had a new project—my blog—that felt like a demanding newborn in its own right. Yet, despite the relief, I couldn’t shake a hint of sadness.
As women, we carry a unique ability to bring life into this world. The thought of potentially losing that capability can sting. Today, I found myself grieving, even if just a little.
But on the bright side, the idea of not needing to try that fabulous new brand of tampons was somewhat liberating.
If you’re navigating similar waters, check out more insights on this topic at Progyny—an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination. For those interested in DIY options, you might explore this artificial insemination kit, which is informative as well. And if you’re curious about other methods, you can find additional information at this link.
In summary, the journey through the possibilities of pregnancy and menopause can be an emotional rollercoaster. It’s a profound exploration of life’s changes and the choices we face along the way.