8 Things You Should Avoid Before Mom’s Morning Coffee

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Dear Beloved Children,

By now, it should be abundantly clear that your mother is not the most cheerful of souls in the early hours. To ensure your safety and preserve my sanity, I’ve put together a list of things you absolutely should NOT do until I’ve had my much-needed coffee. (Oh, sweet elixir of life, how you awaken my weary spirit!) Should you choose to ignore this warning, I can no longer be held accountable for the consequences. You have been duly warned!

1. Please don’t stomp around like a herd of stampeding elephants. Seriously, even a pack of woolly mammoths would be quieter than you, my lovely children, when the sun rises.
2. Do NOT ask me what’s for breakfast. You are no longer tiny toddlers; I refuse to be responsible for your morning meals. I fed you dinner just hours ago, so forage for yourself! Cold pizza or mayonnaise sandwiches are perfectly acceptable options if the cereal is all gone.
3. Refrain from bombarding me with questions. Don’t even think about asking if you can stay at a friend’s house or if you can have the last yogurt. The answer is a resounding “NO!” This includes random inquiries about math or historical facts. It’s best to save all questions until your mother has fully awakened.
4. Keep the television off. I have zero tolerance for Sponge Bob or any other morning cartoons before I am properly caffeinated. Even after my coffee, I still may not be in the mood, but at least caffeine will remind me that I love you!
5. Avoid making any annoying sounds. No whistling, humming, or loud chewing. Please, no beatboxing or other silly noises. And for the love of all that is good, do not sing those catchy Disney songs that will haunt my brain for the rest of the day.
6. Don’t update me on any sibling grievances. I don’t want to hear about who called whom a name or the last slice of bread being hogged. Honestly, just keep the peace until I’ve had my coffee. Perhaps we should just keep your brother in a room until I’m ready to deal with him.
7. No friends allowed in the house. I know your buddies want to play on weekends, but I can’t have non-family members witness the chaos that is me pre-coffee. Plus, you tend to be louder when your friends are around, and I refuse to be responsible for any potential fallout!
8. Please do NOT sneak up behind me to check my coffee level. This will only annoy me and might result in a desperate need for another cup. And trust me, that means you’ll have to wait longer for my attention.

Fear not, my dear offspring, as I will generally return to my patient and pleasant self after one or two cups, especially if it’s been a rough night. Just grant me a few moments of tranquility to gather my strength for the challenges of the day. Thank you for your understanding!

Warmly,
Your Loving (and Uncaffeinated) Mother

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