Kids have an uncanny ability to take everything you cherish and turn it into a gooey mess – your relaxation, sleep, and even those rare moments of solitude in the bathroom. But let’s be real: the benefits of parenthood are abundant.
I’m not just referring to the way they refresh your perspective or tug at your heartstrings. No, the real treasure of being a parent is the ultimate “Get Out of Jail Free” card you can play at any moment.
As a parent, you can place the blame for just about anything on your little one. Here’s a glimpse into how I skillfully utilize this card with my collection of:
10 Reasons I Blame My Child Daily:
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Slippery Surfaces.
Partner: “What’s going on in the bathroom?”
Me: Peeking in, “Oh man, her hand-washing skills are abysmal!”
Reality: It’s me, slathering my face with a dozen creams while blind without my contacts, leaving the sink and floor a veritable aquarium. -
Lack of Snack Options.
Partner, eagerly calling from the living room: “Is there any of that (yummy food) left?”
Me, swallowing the last bite: “Mmmm, not really.” *Pause* *Swallow* “Sorry, I gave the last piece to Emma before bed.”
Reality: I’m stealthily disposing of the empty container that once held said (yummy food). -
Unpleasant Odors.
Everyone: “Gross!”
Me: “That was definitely Emma!”
Reality: Me, blissfully munching on an entire head of cauliflower for lunch without a care in the world. -
Missing Events.
Me, texting instead of calling: “I really want to join, but Emma is feeling under the weather.”
Reality: I’m actually shutting off my phone, ignoring my kid, and diving into another episode on Netflix. -
Exhaustion.
Me to a coworker, suppressing a yawn: “Ugh, she was up all night with nightmares!”
Reality: I’m propped up in bed, half-watching Netflix and scrolling through social media with bloodshot eyes. -
Dust Bunnies Everywhere.
Me to friends: “The vacuum frightens her, and I don’t want to be that tough mom.”
Reality: The thought of vacuuming makes me cringe; I’d rather do a quick scan and grab for crumbs before guests arrive. -
Body Image Struggles.
Me, to those without kids: “Once you have a child, that area just doesn’t bounce back.”
Truth: My stomach has never been toned. Even if I were hooked up to a muscle shock machine 24/7, I’d still have no definition. -
Chaotic Car.
Me, sheepishly to my passenger: “You know how kids are, right? They create crumbs everywhere.”
Reality: A montage of me belting out ‘90s punk songs while finishing a bag of snacks and tossing the remnants into the backseat. -
Incomplete Tasks.
I decided to take a break from writing to enjoy some quality time with Emma, who will only be this age for a little while.
Reality: The lure of a quick nap was simply too tempting to resist. -
Why I’m Late to Everything.
Me: “Oh, you know how it is with kids!”
Reality: Just me, losing track of time while scrolling through my phone.
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Summary:
Parenthood is a whirlwind of chaos and joy, and it often comes with a hefty dose of humor. The little ones may take away our free time and sanity, but they also offer us the perfect scapegoat for life’s messes. Embrace the ups and downs, and remember: it’s okay to blame your child for just about everything!