My 9-year-old son, Alex, blushed and giggled as he recounted an unusual incident from his day. He glanced at me, searching for my reaction, and I made an effort to mask my surprise and maintain an open demeanor. This was a significant moment; I wanted to seize the opportunity to impart something meaningful. My initial impulse was to lecture him—though I wasn’t quite sure what about—but I decided instead to simply ask him questions.
The subject of his revelation was a friend from his third-grade class who had somehow smuggled a phone into school. This friend had stumbled upon a picture of a naked woman and had shared it with all his classmates. I had always anticipated this day would come during middle school, as elementary school felt early for such exposure. Growing up in a time devoid of the Internet, I had no reference for when children typically encounter explicit content. Back in my day, kids found magazines tucked away under mattresses, not millions of images easily accessible on smartphones. Nevertheless, I knew I had to be ready for the reality that my children might come across—or even seek out—sexual content online much sooner than I’d prefer.
Over the years, I had been mentally preparing for what I call “The Birds and the Bees 2.0″—a modern-day conversation that goes beyond the basics of reproduction and addresses the complexities of sex in the digital age.
And so, Alex and I had the talk—or rather, my awkward, fumbling version of it. “You know,” I began, striving to maintain a nonjudgmental facade, “many pictures of naked people online aren’t, um… not all of them want to be there. Some are like slaves, forced into those images. And some are actually kids, like you.”
Alex’s eyes widened. “Kids like me and my brothers?”
I took a deep breath, wanting to be honest without scaring him. “Yes, some are. Even older teens are still technically kids. They might have taken a picture but didn’t realize it could be seen by anyone.”
“That’s terrible,” he replied, his face reflecting concern.
“Right. And some of the images or videos you might come across—well, they often depict people in ways that aren’t realistic. Women—sometimes men too, but especially women—aren’t always treated well. Sometimes they even get hurt. Plus, their bodies may not represent what real bodies look like. There’s often a lot of makeup or digital alteration. When you grow up and love someone, you’ll see real bodies…”
“Gross, Mom!” He hid his face, overwhelmed by the mere thought of adult bodies.
“I know it seems gross now, but it’s important to talk about,” I insisted. “Most naked bodies you encounter in real life won’t look like those you see online, and I need you to understand that. I love you, and I want you to treat these images—and people—with respect.”
We continued our conversation, with Alex asking questions, and I answered as age-appropriately as I could. It was challenging, emotional, and undeniably awkward.
“You know,” I continued, noticing him inching away, “looking at naked pictures isn’t inherently bad. Someday, you might find it enjoyable. But I want you to think critically about what you’re viewing, especially those images. It’s important to consider the kinds of content you consume.”
As I spoke, I saw two versions of my son: the playful, muddy-faced boy who finds anything romantic revolting, and the young man he will soon become—one who will develop secrets, crushes, and desires for things he currently thinks are gross.
Part of me wished I could proclaim, “No porn on the Internet ever!” or even, “You can look at it, but just check with Dad or me first!” But I knew those approaches would be unrealistic. As he matures, Alex will have access to screens and the Internet. My husband and I can monitor what they see on the family computer, but on their phones or friends’ devices? That’s unlikely. In fact, a recent study revealed that 43 percent of teens have encountered pornography online.
It’s almost certain that one day, Alex will actively seek out explicit images or videos. What I want him—and all my sons—to understand is that sex can be beautiful, positive, and fun. I hope they approach it without shame or guilt, appreciate consent, and recognize that not all pornography reflects real-life relationships. I want them to engage with such content thoughtfully and ethically.
Thus, I will keep having this ongoing conversation—this Birds and the Bees 2.0 talk—no matter how clumsy or uncomfortable it may be. Because, like many parenting challenges, I know I can’t completely control what my children see. None of us can. However, I believe we can help shape the way they view the world.
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Summary
The conversation around sex and the Internet is evolving, especially for today’s youth. As parents, we must navigate these discussions with openness and honesty, addressing the complexities of online content while fostering respect and understanding in our children’s views on sexuality.