Isn’t it time we put that pesky little spider to rest? Seriously, how many times does he have to climb that water spout, and do we really need to sing about it every single time? I mean, “Patty Cake” is fun and all, but how about we personalize it with an “M” for mommy, and I can devour my slice over the sink as soon as the kids are tucked in? Moms everywhere deserve their own versions of nursery rhymes—catchy ones that actually resonate with our daily chaos (and let’s be real, “Hey Diddle Diddle” makes absolutely no sense). So, when you’re feeling like Humpty Dumpty after a long day, let’s have a laugh instead!
ONE TWO
One, two. Slip on your #%@* shoes.
Three, four. They’re right by the door.
Five, six. What did you just lick?
Seven, eight. No snack— you just ate!
Nine, ten. Sigh. Late once again.
HICKORY DICKORY
Hickory dickory dock,
Can we please stop touching your %^&*?
You went potty once, now you’re all done.
Hickory dickory %^&*.
LITTLE BO PEEP
Little Bo Peep can’t shut her eyes,
And she doesn’t know how to cease her cries.
Just leave her be; she’ll settle down soon.
They call it Ferberizing, but it feels like a cartoon.
HERE IS THE CHURCH
This is the church, this is the steeple.
Duck down in your seat; we know all those people.
HUSH LITTLE BABY
Hush, little baby, don’t make a peep,
And I’ll let you play your favorite game, Angry Birds, before sleep.
And if that stubborn pig doesn’t fall,
Give it to your brother; he can take the fall.
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In summary, it’s time we reclaim nursery rhymes with a humorous twist that reflects the trials and tribulations of motherhood. Because if we can’t laugh at ourselves, what’s the point?