Sleep has always been a challenge for my eldest child, Clara. During those early years, I found a strange joy in our nightly battles over bedtime, where her strong need for me quelled any guilt I felt from spending long hours at a job I didn’t enjoy. Those tender moments—kissing her forehead and intertwining our fingers—seemed to stitch together the frayed parts of my heart. Now that she’s nine, sleep remains just as elusive.
“Mom, I’m not tired,” she pouts, her lips forming a little pout. “Can I read for a bit?”
“Of course, but not for too long, alright?” I reply.
“Mom, will you snuggle with me first?” Olivia calls out from the bathroom.
Before I can respond, Clara interjects, “It’s not fair! She always gets the first cuddle!” I feel irritation rising within me.
“It’s fine, Clara. I’ll cuddle Olivia first, but I promise to spend a bit more time with you after,” I say, trying to keep my tone calm.
“Forget it! Let Ave have the first cuddle,” Olivia exclaims as she hops off her stool.
“OLIVIA, you can’t just change that,” Clara protests.
“Alright, alright, girls. How about a double cuddle on the bottom bunk?” I suggest. Their response is a flurry of giggles and the sound of fleece pajama bottoms tumbling under the covers.
As I clean up the bathroom counter, wiping away toothpaste and splashes of water around the superhero toothbrushes stuck to the wall, I peek into Emma’s room. “Are you okay?” I inquire. She doesn’t look up, her finger tracing the pages of her favorite book. A messy tuft of hair falls over her glasses, and I notice a small scab on her cheek from a playful tussle over a toy.
“I’m fine,” she replies.
“Do you need anything?” I ask, and she shakes her head. “I’ll come in to kiss you after I’m done with your sisters.” She nods in response.
Taking a deep breath, I nestle between Clara and Olivia, who are playfully wrestling for space.
“Sorry, Mom!” they whisper in unison.
“It’s okay,” I assure them. We spoon together for a while, their tiny hands clutching me. When Clara inadvertently yanks my hair, I feel my lip twitch. “Girls,” I warn, trying to suppress my frustration. My desire to escape, to be free of responsibilities, clashes with the love I have for these moments. Tension fills my body, but then Olivia wraps her arm around me, and Clara protests.
“Hey! That’s my side!” Clara hisses.
“She’s not just your mom, Clara,” Olivia insists.
“Alright, let’s each have a hug and a kiss, and then it’s time for bed, okay?” I say, and they settle down. I pull Clara close and whisper sweet nothings into her hair, lifting her into the top bunk with a gentle roll. We rub noses before I shift my attention to Olivia. She beams at me, arms wide open.
“My mama, come here!”
We nuzzle, then transition to cheek-to-cheek kisses—soft, medium, and finally a big one that sends a jolt through my lip. “Goodnight, girls,” I call out as I leave the room, their voices trailing behind me in a chorus of love.
My shoulders relax as I tiptoe into Emma’s darkened room, noticing her glasses resting on the nightstand. I brush her hair from her face and place a tender kiss on her forehead. Just as I turn to leave, she wraps her arms around my neck.
“Mom, please don’t go,” she pleads.
My heart aches; I was so close to enjoying my quiet evening. “What is it, sweetheart?”
“I can’t sleep,” she says. My mind drifts to the candle flickering downstairs and the soothing comforts of wine or tea, but her earnest gaze pulls me back. Instead of frustration, I feel an overwhelming wave of love, reminiscent of when she was a tiny baby. “Scoot over,” I whisper, sliding into bed beside her.
“Do you want me to rub your back?” she asks.
I chuckle softly. “No, sweetie. You know what I really want?”
She shakes her head. “I just want to fall asleep with you for a bit.”
The soft glow of the moon filters through her curtains, and as her breathing steadies and she drifts into slumber, a tear escapes my eye. In that fleeting moment, I feel a grace I didn’t expect. I know it won’t last through the next bedtime, but tonight, I didn’t lose my patience. I smile at my first baby, allowing the tears to wash away everything except the undeniable truth that I still remember how to embrace these sacred bedtime rituals.
Further Reading
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Summary
Navigating bedtime with children can be a blend of chaos and tenderness. From the heartfelt cuddles to the challenges of sleep, these moments capture the essence of parenting. The author reflects on the bittersweet nature of these rituals, emphasizing the importance of patience and love during those nightly struggles.