Confession: I’m a reformed perfectionist.
Let me clarify—I don’t think I’m flawless. Rather, I feel this relentless urge to excel in every aspect of life. I’ve always been a people-pleaser, often overly concerned about others’ opinions of me. Whether it’s my job or my role as a parent, I want to do everything exceptionally well.
In the early days, life was a breeze. I earned top grades, attended a prestigious university, and fell in love with a wonderful man who became my husband. I secured a fantastic teaching position right after graduating, and we enjoyed a comfortable lifestyle in our charming starter apartment. I kept everything spotless and prepared elaborate meals for my husband, while we reveled in our gym memberships and late-night dinners. It was idyllic.
Then, we had children.
Now, please don’t misunderstand. The arrival of my kids has blessed my life immensely, creating unforgettable moments. But here’s the dilemma: it’s nearly impossible to maintain perfection while navigating life with little ones.
I made every effort to juggle my social life, be the ideal spouse, and keep up with household chores. I aimed to have every piece of laundry clean and neatly folded, the floors spotless, and the kitchen tidy. Yet, the more I tried to achieve this illusion of perfection, the more I became resentful of the messiness that accompanied my family. You know, those lovely individuals who scattered crumbs, spilled drinks, and left laundry everywhere but the hamper. The children who would leave toys in their wake, only to dash off to find something new to play with. And let’s not even start on the dirty dishes!
I felt overwhelmed. My frustrations grew as I witnessed my children’s varying school performances. Parent-teacher conferences felt like a personal evaluation, and I couldn’t help but compare myself to other moms. It was less about competition with them and more about my internal struggle—was I good enough? Was I nurturing my kids the way they deserved? Was my husband proud of me? Were my children clean, happy, and well-adjusted? Did people look at me, a mother of six, and think I was in over my head?
Fortunately, I began to recognize that my perfectionism was more of a hurdle than a help. It was time to shift my perspective before my quest for perfection negatively impacted my children (though I’m sure there are countless other ways we’ll inadvertently shape their futures!).
For so long, I measured my self-worth based on my effectiveness. Whether it was as a daughter, wife, sister, or friend, my value hinged on my performance. As a teacher, I received tangible feedback that validated my efforts. But as a mom? There’s no grading system to affirm you’re doing a good job, especially on those chaotic days when everything seems to go wrong.
You know those days—when your kids are late for school because you can’t find a shoe or lunch money. When the cat food gets spilled on the floor, and you have to step through the mess because the broom is nowhere to be found. Days filled with toddler artwork on freshly painted walls, dinners that come late or consist of hot dogs for the umpteenth time, or moments when you react too strongly to a minor issue because you’re running on empty. Days when you feel utterly defeated and convinced that any other mom could manage this better than you.
So, perfection is a myth. And you know what? Life is chaotic, especially with kids. It took me an embarrassingly long time to realize that chasing after perfection is, as the hilarious Phyllis Diller said, “like shoveling snow while it’s still snowing.” It’s a futile effort.
I might be slow to learn, but I’m finally making progress. I’ve started sweeping less and embracing hugs more. I scrub less and share laughter more. I’ve also involved my kids in chores, which has been tremendously helpful. My focus has shifted towards what my children think of me rather than worrying about what other moms might say. I guide and support them while allowing each to grow into their unique selves. They won’t remember how spotless the floors were, but they will remember the love I showed them and the joy we shared.
Lesson learned.
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Summary:
This post reflects on the journey of a reformed perfectionist and the chaotic realities of parenting. It emphasizes the shift from striving for perfection to embracing the messiness of life with children, highlighting the importance of love and connection over cleanliness.