By: Jessica Lane
Updated: September 10, 2017
Originally Published: March 5, 2012
During World War II, my great-aunt married a young soldier when she was just a teenager. He left for battle, and before long, they went their separate ways. Eventually, she found love again and married the man who would stand by her side for over fifty years. Back then, divorce was often whispered about, shrouded in secrecy and shame. When she finally revealed to her second husband and children that she had been divorced earlier in life, it was just a few fleeting years before her passing. Her children were left in utter disbelief: their mother was not the person they thought they knew. Why had she kept this hidden? What prompted her to conceal such a significant part of her past?
This kind of secret can sow deep fear, almost like carrying an unexploded bomb in your heart, unsure of when it might go off. Sadly, the stigma surrounding divorce still lingers today, often concealed beneath a veneer of confidence and openness.
For instance, after the holiday season, I met up with a new friend for coffee. She is an accomplished executive and mother of two, radiating grace and beauty. As we shared our stories, she dropped a bombshell about her past: “I was divorced, and this is my second marriage.” She paused, her gaze searching for judgment.
“I’ve been divorced, too,” I responded softly. A smile spread across her face, and I could see the tension ease from her shoulders. She felt understood.
My four-year-old son was beside me, engrossed in a puzzle. Perhaps he wasn’t listening, or maybe the word “divorce” was quietly cataloged in his mind for future processing. I don’t shy away from the term; however, he hasn’t inquired about its meaning yet. Thankfully. Yet, I know that one day, I will need to explain divorce to him, particularly the fact that I experienced it long before he came into my life.
Even a decade later, the label of “divorced” still feels like a reminder of failure. I see this same burden reflected in the faces of friends—both men and women—who have undergone divorce. They reveal their pasts tentatively, as if exposing an invisible scarlet letter, bracing themselves for your reaction.
My mother-in-law, whom I admire deeply, has encouraged me to have this conversation with my son sooner rather than later. She believes it’s jarring for a child to grow up with a certain understanding of marriage only to learn later that their beliefs were built on incomplete truths. Her own experience taught her this lesson when her parents revealed to her, after high school graduation, that her father had been married and divorced before meeting her mother.
She explained that it took her years to realize this revelation didn’t change the essence of who her father was; it was merely a chapter in his life.
If you search for guidance on discussing divorce with children, you’ll find a wealth of advice on navigating a separation from a co-parent. However, little is said about revealing a previous marriage or the reality that love can sometimes end. To get some clarity, I reached out to Dr. Emily Carter, a friend and family therapist.
“Sharing our past marital experiences with our children often creates more anxiety for the parent than the child,” she advised. “It’s generally best to incorporate this into your family narrative before they’re old enough to feel that something was hidden from them. Secrets can harm a child’s sense of security more than honesty.”
This is precisely my goal. Yet, it feels strange to casually say, “Mommy once had another husband.” After my ex left, I disposed of all reminders, including our wedding photos. If I discuss divorce, do I also mention the domestic violence and the other woman? Striking a balance between full disclosure and what my son can comprehend will be a careful endeavor. There’s honesty, and then there’s sharing age-appropriate information.
Dr. Carter suggested I wait for a natural moment to broach the subject—perhaps when someone else mentions divorce, or when my son asks about my life before he was born. “As with all significant conversations with kids, it’s best to keep your statements short and factual, and see if he has any follow-up questions. You could say, ‘I was married to someone else a long time ago, before I met your Dad.’ Observe his reaction; he might have questions now or six months later, or he might forget, and you’ll find yourself discussing it again as if it’s new information,” she explained.
As he matures, I might share the raw details of my divorce—the emotional toll it took on me, the weight I lost in those early weeks, the workout routines I adopted to cope. I want to offer him honest insight. I will certainly convey that divorce is a reality, and if it ever happens to him, it doesn’t diminish his worth as a man. I’ll be there to support him wholeheartedly, just as my parents were for me.
Truthfully, I wish I could avoid this conversation altogether. But it’s a significant part of my journey, one that shaped me into who I am today. Ultimately, I want him to understand that while divorce is part of my story, it does not define me. Life can be challenging, but good people sometimes face hardship. Importantly, I want him to know that love is always possible, no matter what.
If you found this article insightful, consider checking out our other post about navigating these life experiences at Intracervical Insemination. For more information on fertility, you can also visit Make A Mom, a trusted source on the subject, and explore WebMD’s excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.