One word: Help me. Seriously, I could end this right here. That’s how much I dread those infuriating boxed craft kits.
Let’s kick things off with the images on the box, shall we? Oh wow! Look at those happy kids! We absolutely need to buy this! I can only imagine the joy of creating endless headbands and bracelets adorned with glitter, stickers, buttons, and a mountain of other random bits.
Before I know it, the box of doom is perched on my kitchen counter while my child is at my feet, pleading for me to free the ‘ULTIMATE TOY EVER’ from its prison. Armed with a butcher knife, I embark on the Herculean task of opening this box, which feels like it requires as much effort as a fifteen-minute jog on a treadmill would. (Not that I’d know, as the treadmill sounds about as appealing as a root canal.)
Once I’ve wrestled with the packaging and maybe shed a tear or two, I finally pry open the crafty monster. I’m instantly greeted by forty-eight minuscule, easily misplaced, nearly invisible charms, glitters, and an assortment of other what-the-heck-is-this items. Seriously, they could have fit all of this in a soda can instead of a box the size of a briefcase. And yet, I fall for it every single time. Honestly, 48 pennies would be just as thrilling and would cost significantly less than the $19.95 price tag. But my child is absolutely ecstatic, and I play along because that’s what parenting is about—going with the flow most of the time.
We tear open fifteen plastic bags containing an overwhelming number of pieces (enough plastic to cover a Kardashian mansion), and lay everything out. More often than not, the glitter, stickers, buttons, and other assorted clutter ends up stuck to my coffee table, embedded in our shag rug, clinging to our shoes, or ingested by our not-so-bright dog. When we finally finish crafting our so-called masterpieces, I find more glitter glue on my eyelashes than actually stuck to the headbands.
The only time I notice remnants of our craft that aren’t stuck to my furniture or my dog’s insides is when I attempt to place the headband on my child’s head for school the next day. We make it about ten minutes before realizing the glue isn’t dry, leaving her with purple streaks in her hair and a button plastered to her forehead. Removing the headband from her hair—which is now firmly stuck—results in a dramatic outburst. It’s all my fault, of course. I bought the kit, I suggested she wear the headband to school, and I’m to blame for it not looking like the box art. The sob story unfolds.
By the end of the night, I’m left picking up thousands of tiny charms from the floor, wondering if my dog needs a trip to the vet after finding glitter glue and buttons in his poop. The companies behind these amazing craft kits are well aware that it’s parents left to deal with the chaos. I’m convinced they include instructions just for laughs. If they included a free GoPro camera to capture our struggles, I wouldn’t be shocked. This applies to all toys that require even a hint of assembly.
I’ve always preferred Melissa & Doug products because most of their toys come ready to use. I appreciate things that arrive in a box ready to play. I prefer my meals the same way: ‘Ready to Eat.’ Nothing beats takeout Chinese or a bucket of fried chicken.
When my daughter, Sophie, received the Barbie Dream House for Christmas, I was anxious about my husband’s sanity during the four-hour assembly process. Luckily, he remained calm and collected, or else I might have found myself visiting him in the Barbie Dream House Assembly Psych Ward—a place I’m sure isn’t on any map.
I’ve decided to give up on craft kits. I’ll stick to Michaels, where I have control over what I purchase. Honestly, I get more value at Michaels than from a craft kit, where the box probably costs more than the contents inside.
No more tricks from craft kits! Moving forward, I’ll be blindfolding my child when we wander through the toy aisle at Target.
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Summary
Craft kits can be an exhausting and messy experience for parents. Despite the enticing images on the packaging, the reality often involves a chaotic cleanup and disappointment. Choosing pre-assembled toys and controlling purchases at craft stores like Michaels can make the parenting journey a bit smoother.