My little one, Clover Moonbeam, affectionately known as “Little Star,” quietly slipped away before she could take her first breath. One moment, she was alive, her heart a tiny flicker of hope at 10 weeks, and the next, that spark had vanished. When we returned for our 14-week check-up, she was no longer with us.
The heartache that followed was unlike anything I had ever experienced. It hit me like a freight train, leaving me breathless and utterly devastated. I spent days curled in a ball, engulfed by a pain that seemed unending. The physical agony from the misoprostol and the cramping compounded the emotional turmoil; I was caught in a cycle of grief that felt like it would never end. I questioned everything – why had I lost her? Was it my fault? I felt as though I had failed her, that I hadn’t shielded her from the stresses of my life.
In that dark time, my firstborn, Leo, became my anchor. Despite my pain, he would wrap his small arms around me, offering comfort and reminding me that I was capable of creating life and love.
When the time came for me to say goodbye to Clover, I gently gathered her tiny form and placed it in a beautiful hand-carved box that I had cherished for years. I surrounded her with letters filled with love, apologies, and prayers. In the soft morning haze of a Bay Area dawn, I buried her beneath a tree, hoping she would be cradled by nature, returning to the earth from which she came.
I may have broken a few rules in that moment, but it felt essential to give her a beautiful resting place. As I stood there, I said my final farewell to the child whose brief existence paved the way for my daughter, Moxie. I prayed for Clover, knowing I would only meet her again in another life, and felt an overwhelming gratitude for Moxie, who had entered my life despite the uncertainties surrounding her prenatal Down syndrome diagnosis.
I can’t help but wonder if Clover’s passing was a catalyst, guiding me to embrace Moxie wholeheartedly. Perhaps her journey was meant to prepare my heart for the joy that was yet to come. Only time will tell if I can someday ask Clover about it.
If you’re navigating the complexities of pregnancy or considering home insemination, there are many resources available to support you. For more information on this topic, you can check out this blog post, and for expert advice, visit Make A Mom. Additionally, the Genetics and IVF Institute is an excellent resource for understanding these experiences.
In summary, Clover’s brief life profoundly shaped my journey to motherhood. Her memory remains a cherished part of my heart, guiding me as I embrace the joys and challenges of raising Moxie.