Parenting can be challenging, especially when navigating the complexities of raising a child on the autism spectrum. If you’re looking to support a friend or family member dealing with this journey, here are some phrases you might want to avoid, and some alternatives that can foster understanding and connection.
1. “He can’t be autistic because…”
When my child, Liam, was in the process of being diagnosed, I was bombarded with comments like, “He made eye contact!” or “He doesn’t fit the stereotype!” Parents often grapple with their child’s diagnosis alone, battling internal doubts and fears. We go through a period of self-reflection and ultimately seek help. Constantly defending our child’s unique traits can be emotionally draining. Autism manifests in diverse ways; no two children with the same diagnosis are alike.
Instead, try asking, “I’m learning about autism; could you share what it’s like for Liam?” Questions like this show genuine interest and a willingness to understand our experience better. It’s refreshing to know that people care and want to learn more about our child.
2. “He’ll probably grow out of it.”
After seven years since Liam’s diagnosis, I can confidently say he will not “grow out” of autism. It’s an integral part of who he is, contributing to his strengths and uniqueness. Suggesting that he might outgrow it undermines the hard work he and his support team put in every day. Embracing and accepting Liam as he is, quirks and all, is what I hope for from others. It’s heartwarming when people ask about his interests—especially when they ask him directly. Those who engage with Liam for even a short time come to appreciate him for who he is, not in spite of his autism, but because he is a wonderful kid.
3. “I read that autism is caused by…”
Please refrain from sharing dubious studies linking autism to parental behaviors or conditions. I already experience enough guilt as a mom without adding theories suggesting my choices caused my son’s autism. Many so-called studies are purely correlational, and the current understanding leans heavily toward genetic factors. If you want to discuss research, try asking, “What books or resources do you recommend about autism?” This keeps the conversation constructive and supportive.
4. “I heard that you can cure autism by…”
This topic is fraught with misinformation and can be quite upsetting. There is currently no cure for autism, and many individuals on the spectrum, including some adults, take pride in their identity. Using the term “cure” can be offensive. Moreover, a plethora of dubious treatments exist, often marketed by unscrupulous practitioners. Instead of suggesting cures, consider asking about effective therapies or resources. For more information on autism, check out this excellent resource on Pregnancy and Home Insemination.
5. “You’re my hero!” or similar platitudes.
While I appreciate the sentiment behind these comments, they can feel dismissive of the challenges we face. I’m just a regular mom in a unique situation, navigating the same ups and downs that all parents do. Special needs children aren’t assigned to “special” parents; many wonderful parents are just doing their best. A much more helpful approach would be to ask, “How can I assist you?” A simple “You’re doing a great job!” can mean the world to us.
6. Silence.
Perhaps the worst thing you can do is say nothing at all. Autism can be isolating for both children and their families, making it hard to engage in social activities. Please don’t let fear of saying the wrong thing stop you from reaching out. Most parents are open to discussing their experiences and are proud of their children. Your willingness to engage can help promote understanding and connection.
In writing this, I hope to encourage open dialogue rather than discourage communication. We want to share our stories and celebrate our children just like anyone else.
For further insights into navigating parenthood, including resources on home insemination, visit this other blog post or check Make A Mom for authoritative guidance.
Summary:
Understanding what not to say to the parents of autistic children can foster better communication and support. Instead of making assumptions or offering unhelpful advice, ask thoughtful questions that show genuine interest and empathy. Embrace the uniqueness of each child and offer your support in practical ways.