Doubt occasionally creeps in.
Am I doing this right?
Am I messing everything up?
Will I harm her future?
As a parent to a spirited daughter, I often felt like I was tiptoeing on eggshells, trying to avoid igniting her fiery temper. I was determined not to compromise our family rules, but it was a balancing act. Fortunately, her outbursts have become less frequent over time.
When she does get upset, she can cry uncontrollably and even clench her fists. Sometimes she swings her arms, though she often misses. Still, I worry about the day when her frustration might find its target.
At first glance, you’d never suspect her struggles. She’s sweet, polite, and endlessly kind. Thoughtful and helpful, she embodies the best parts of me, but I can’t shake the feeling that she also carries some of my less admirable traits.
I’ve found myself becoming the one who addresses her emotional turmoil. It’s as though her behavior weighs heavily on my conscience, even though I know I shouldn’t take it personally. Did she inherit my anger? Does she remember my past yelling? Did I inadvertently teach her that this was an acceptable way to cope? It certainly isn’t.
Most of her meltdowns tend to happen before bedtime, which I suspect is tied to her exhaustion. To shield her sisters from witnessing her breakdowns, I guide her to her room, often against her will. I sit in front of her door to keep her from escaping. Sometimes, she allows me to hold her while she expresses her anger. At other times, I distract myself by looking at my phone or admiring the room I designed just for her.
I practice disengagement and patience, speaking softly and slowly. Over the past six months, we’ve introduced her to self-soothing techniques. Our conversations often begin like this:
“Let’s explore some ways to calm down. One effective method is deep breathing.”
I demonstrate deep breaths, and she follows suit.
“Another option is to count to 10 slowly.” I start counting, and she joins in, sometimes counting backward.
“And we can also stretch or do some yoga, which helps our minds slow down.” I sit cross-legged on the floor and begin to stretch.
Initially, her participation was reluctant; it sometimes took multiple tries before she engaged. I understand—sometimes, being angry feels satisfying.
But now? Now she’s learned to calm herself. I can ask, “How can you calm yourself?” or “Which technique would you like to use?” and she chooses independently.
I take pride in knowing I taught her this valuable skill, one I hope she carries into adulthood. The best part is that even though our calming sessions usually occur behind closed doors, she’s beginning to apply these techniques in different situations. She’s internalizing what she’s learned.
And her younger sisters are taking notice too. Just the other day, my three-year-old announced she needed to calm down and began taking deep breaths.
While I may always wonder if I’m navigating this parenting journey effectively, I find comfort in the fact that my deep breaths are bringing us closer together.
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Summary:
Parenting comes with its challenges, especially when navigating a child’s emotional outbursts. Through patience and practice, parents can teach children valuable self-soothing techniques. These efforts not only help the child learn to manage anger but also set a positive example for younger siblings. The journey, while fraught with doubt, can lead to rewarding moments of connection and growth.